


Añejo

by gongji



Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Alcohol, Confessions, Drunken Confessions, Drunken Kissing, First Dates, Frottage, Heavy Petting, Late Night Conversations, M/M, Masturbation, Oral Sex, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-29
Updated: 2020-02-27
Packaged: 2020-03-29 12:07:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 30,943
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19019605
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gongji/pseuds/gongji
Summary: Sometimes bonding is insomnia camaraderie, sometimes it's getting wasted on tequila shots. Sometimes it's having an identity crisis so intense you drunkenly confess your feelings to your crush. Lavi learns this all the hard way. It doesn't help that his crush is Kanda Yuu.Alternatively: “Haha,” Lavi laughs nervously, “I’m in danger.”





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I recently binge rewatched all of D.Gray Man and woke up in a cold sweat with the burning desire to write my original OTP. And so here we are.
> 
> Beta'd by the lovely [Valdasine](https://archiveofourown.org/users/valdasine), without her my grammar would be all over the place.

Kanda wakes up sticky and sweating for the third time that night from a nightmare he’d had too many times before.

He sits up, breath ragged, taking a moment to survey his surroundings in the familiar darkness of his room. The white sheets of the bed, the dark brick walls, the hourglass on the side table — proof that he was still here, in his own room, in his own bed.

He sighs.

This was the same song and dance plaguing him for the last… well, he’d lost count by now. A week? A month? Surely it couldn’t have been that long already but… thinking back on it, that might actually be the case. Kanda goes to bed, falls asleep, has a nightmare, wakes up, goes back to sleep, has the same nightmare, wakes up, and the cycle continues endlessly. He turns his head to look at the hourglass by the lone table in his room. A vision of a lotus appears, sparkling and shining inside the glass. He knows it’s not really there — just the same haunting illusion reminding him of his own mortality; a single petal threatens to fall free, taunting him.

It’s been several months since the European Branch of the Black Order relocated to London, and Kanda has had trouble sleeping ever since. He can’t seem to place it. For him, a change of scenery was rarely a reason to lose sleep, and he’d even decorated his new room to resemble the look of his old.

He steps out of bed and stands, reaching for a robe to pull over himself. He’d walk to the cafeteria, have a hot cup of tea, and then see where the night took him from there. At this hour, he figured, the common spaces should be empty.

When he steps into the cafeteria, the massive room is full of nothing but tables and chairs — all empty except for one lone figure sitting at a table on the far side of the room. Kanda squints, but then remembers he doesn’t actually care.

He makes himself his cup of tea and sits down at a table all the way on the other side of the cafeteria. The hot tea is soothing, warmth on both his hands and in his body as it slides down his throat. He exhales into the mug, enjoying the hot steam rising up into his face.

Eventually, he picks his head up to look at the person across the room. Red hair, eyepatch… it’s Lavi, hunched over a mug and staring into it. Kanda almost didn’t recognize him with his hair down. He finds he still doesn’t care.

When he finishes his tea, Kanda leaves his mug on the table for someone else to clear off in the morning, and returns to his room without a second glance at Lavi.

 

* * *

 

His nightmare is back the next night. Vivid images of people he wishes he could forget, things he wishes he could have done, all haunt him whenever he closes his eyes. And then the most striking image yet — the Noah beansprout. Allen Walker showing signs of becoming a Noah made it hard for Kanda to sleep for reasons he couldn’t figure out. Kanda knows what he _should_ do: report it to Komui, as his responsibility as an Exorcist, but that’s not what he’s going to do. Kanda isn’t going to say anything, even if that’s purely out of spite, sheer hatred for the Order. And yet… why did that bother him? Why did that keep him up at night when it was his choice, a choice that he’d stand by awake or asleep?

He’s walking to the cafeteria again before he even realizes it. Lavi is there again, and if Kanda hadn’t seen him elsewhere earlier that day, he could be convinced Lavi hadn’t moved at all since he saw him there last night. Lavi is in the same seat, sitting at the same table, hunched over the same mug.

“Tsk,” Kanda frowns, “At least drink it.”

They spend the night the same way as the last, with Kanda sitting on the complete opposite side of the cafeteria until he finishes his tea, and leaving without a word.

This routine continues for a few nights. Kanda wakes up, comes to the cafeteria for a cup of tea, and then leaves. Sometimes Lavi is already there, sometimes he isn’t, and sometimes he arrives after Kanda is already there. On these nights, Kanda watches Lavi silently brew himself his own mug of what Kanda learns is coffee and take his usual seat at his usual table, where he doesn’t drink the coffee at all, and doesn’t say anything to Kanda.

 _Maybe it’s the warmth on his hands, then_ , Kanda thinks. _But couldn’t he just pour himself hot water instead of wasting perfectly good coffee? Or maybe he likes the smell…_

Ugh. Kanda shakes his own head in disgust and reminds himself that he doesn’t care.

This was... annoying.

 

* * *

 

The Bookman rabbit is there once again. Same scenario, different night, and Kanda’s had enough.

He approaches.

“Yuu?” Lavi looks up when he hears the sound of Kanda slamming his mug on the table. “What are you—”

“Call me by that name and I’ll change my mind,” Kanda says quickly, sitting down on the opposite side of the same table as Lavi, at the furthest point he can manage. “Seeing you sitting here so pathetically is annoying.”

“Heh.” Lavi smiles, “Can’t sleep either?”

Kanda doesn’t respond, only fills the silence with the gentle sound of sipping. Truthfully, he’s purposefully making sound while he drinks his tea just so they aren’t sitting in silence, which is new to him. He appreciates silence. He hates this.  

Lavi stares back down into his cup. He says nothing, but Kanda doesn’t particularly want him to. His company was enough, and Lavi doesn’t really want to push it.

Eventually, Kanda finishes his tea, and gets up to leave.

“Going back to sleep?” Lavi asks, swirling the now-cold coffee in his mug.

Kanda scoffs. “No point in that,” he says, before walking away.

 

* * *

 

Like clockwork, Kanda has his nightmare again the next night. He sits up, rubbing his eyes and shaking his head. This was annoying — he doesn’t particularly need to sleep but he would _like to_. He grumbles under his breath as he slides out of bed. Maybe Lavi was in the cafeteria again. Insomnia camaraderie.

He was. Same exact spot, same exact mug of coffee. But tonight Kanda doesn’t really feel like his company, so he makes his usual tea and sits back down at his usual table, all the way across the room from Lavi’s usual spot.

...And it felt awkward. After sitting with him once, it’s like Kanda can’t _not_ sit with him again. Should he? Should he go over and sit in silence and sip his tea louder than usual just so he wouldn’t have to say anything? The fact that Kanda is even having this dilemma upsets him. The answer has always been to sit alone and deal with his own problems alone. And for some reason now, of all the times for this to happen, Lavi is complicating that and he didn’t even _do_ anything. This was entirely brought on by Kanda and that’s the _worst part_.

When Kanda looks up to glare in Lavi’s direction over the problems in his own head, he notices Lavi isn’t really paying attention to him. In fact… Kanda peers closer, and realizes Lavi is actually asleep. He’s got his head propped up in one hand, elbow on the table, and if Kanda looked hard enough he’d see the small bit of drool dribbling out of the corner of Lavi’s mouth.

Well, so much for that. At least one of them was sleeping.

 

* * *

 

“So, what’s up with you?” Lavi asks him one night when Kanda sits at his table in silence once again, finally breaking the no-talking rule that Kanda never actually established (if only establishing rules didn’t require talking...). “Nightmares? Troubles? Worries? None of the above, all of the above?”

Kanda doesn’t respond right away, doesn’t really want to respond at all, really. But he does anyway. “It doesn’t matter.” Which is barely a response to that question, but it is something.

“I used to be able to sleep for so long,” Lavi whines, resting his chin in his hand and puffing out his cheeks. “I’d get my eight hours and even a nap in whenever I could. And when I couldn’t sleep, I’d just harass the old man until I could,” Lavi says, and the small smile that tries to form on his lips fades just as fast as it began. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me now.”

“Hm,” is all Kanda cares to say, which is really nothing, and he takes another sip of tea.

“I can’t bother him with this stuff now though,” Lavi says. “He’d just scold me.”

“So you come here to stare into a cup of coffee?” Kanda asks dismissively, and Lavi chuckles weakly.

“Well, you come here to drink tea. That is what you’re drinking, right?”

Kanda tsks. What an annoying rabbit.

 

* * *

 

Kanda loudly sets down a fancy-looking bottle filled with an almost gold liquid on Lavi’s table one night.

“What’s that?” Lavi asks almost immediately, mostly to cover for the fact that Kanda’s gift startled him out of his thoughts. He didn’t even know Kanda was there, let alone approaching him with something. He watches Kanda slide across two small glasses as he sits down across the table.

“Tequila. It’s something I like to drink sometimes, so I thought I’d share.”

“Oh! Yuu’s guilty pleasure!” Lavi investigates the bottle, picking it up and turning it around to see the label, the liquid gold splashing around inside. “Wait, isn’t tequila supposed to be clear?”

“This is a reposado, it’s slightly aged. It makes it smoother and gives it the color—”

Kanda hasn’t even finished his sentence by the time Lavi has already poured himself a sizeable amount and knocked it back. “Oooh, that is smooth.”

“ _What are you doing?!_ ”

“Uh, drinking the tequila you brought to share?”

“Not like that!” Kanda barks, snatching back the bottle. “How can you enjoy what you’re drinking if you down it like that?!”

“You don’t do shots of tequila?” Lavi begins, sounding confused. “You brought tequila to… not do shots?”

“What kind of idiot sees tequila and immediately thinks shots?”

“Uh, what? Most people! I don’t really think I’m in the wrong here!”

“A reposado is aged, you idiot. It’s smooth because it’s been aged, and this was expensive — I’m not going to waste my tequila shooting it like some kind of shitty ass teenager.”

“Okay, okay, sorry…” Lavi says, and goes to pour himself a bit more to try it again, but Kanda shoos away his hand like he’s disciplining a small puppy. “C’mon Yuu, let me have a bit more!”

“Not if you’re going to down it like that!”

Lavi is so taken aback he almost stumbles over his words, his cheeks puffing out into a pout. “People _do_ shots of reposado, you know.”

“You didn’t even know what it was before I explained it to you.”

“I did! I just needed a refresher, that’s all!” Lavi insists. “Like, I know blanco and reposado and añejo. A reposado is like a… a smoother shot! I know my tequilas!”

“Beyond shooting it with salt and lime? Know your tequilas, my ass,” Kanda scoffs, and pours himself a small amount in his own glass. “This is a good brand. Sip it slowly with me.”

So Lavi does. He lets Kanda pour his next glass — a modest amount to start, and watches Kanda bring his glass to his lips. He sips just the smallest amount, nothing in comparison to Lavi’s previous shot. Lavi mimics his actions, sips a small bit of tequila, and finds that he prefers shooting it after all. But he won’t tell Kanda that.

The tequila is mellow on Kanda’s lips. It doesn’t burn like a silver would, and its smoother, slightly smoky oak aftertaste spreads across his tongue. He can taste hints of the sweet agave, and a toasted cocoa that compliments its dried citrus finish. It sets Kanda’s mind a little more at ease.

“This is nice,” Lavi says after another moment of silence. Kanda gives him an acknowledging grunt but doesn’t say anything beyond that, so Lavi swirls the spirit in his glass and reaches to find something they can talk about. “So… what did you do today?”

“Nothing,” he says dismissively.

“Great. Okay.” Lavi takes another sip, a longer one this time. It’s more to fill the silence than anything, but he realizes he’s a lot closer to finishing his tequila than Kanda is, so he tries to slow down lest the other man berate him again for drinking his precious reposado too quickly. “Meditate?”

“Yes.”

“Train?”

“Yes.”

“Eat soba?”

“How many questions are you going to ask?”

“What’s your favorite color?”

Kanda tsks, takes another sip, and never answers the question. Lavi sighs, defeated, and knocks back the rest of his glass despite the judgemental look he’s getting from across the table. He licks his lips, makes quick eye contact with Kanda (who looks away almost immediately), and hesitantly reaches out to refill his glass. Kanda doesn’t stop him this time, so he does, giving himself a generous full pour.

“You know, I envy you, Yuu,” Lavi says, when his first shot has caught up with him and he’s feeling pretty warm. He takes a sip — more like a gulp, really — from his glass. “You don’t care what other people think of you.”

Kanda hums in acknowledgement before bringing the glass to his lips again. He doesn’t respond, so Lavi continues.

“And I know I shouldn’t either. My place is a Bookman, no matter what happens. And a Bookman has no need for a heart.” Lavi’s words turn sad instead of contemplative then; he suddenly sounds like a kicked puppy and Kanda has no idea how to comfort him, or if he even wants to. “It doesn’t matter what people think of me.” Lavi looks down into the glass in his hand. “I’m not supposed to get attached to anyone. I’m not supposed to have opinions or feelings. I exist to record facts. The truth,” he says quietly. “But… what is the truth?”

“That’s something you need to figure out for yourself, isn’t it?” Kanda answers, without even meaning to say it. Shit, he didn’t mean to engage Lavi in actual conversation.

But Lavi smiles weakly, totally unlike his usual upbeat demeanor. “How can I be a Bookman, how can I know the truth, if I don’t even know my own truth? If I don’t even know who I am as a person?”

“You don’t need to,” Kanda says simply. “You’re a Bookman. You don’t need to know who you are to record history.” From the corner of his eye, Kanda sees Lavi’s shoulders sag, like that wasn’t what he hoped Kanda would say.

“What kind of life does someone like that lead, then? If he goes on to share this ‘truth’ when he doesn’t even know the real him.”

“Recording the history of the world doesn’t have anything to do with your identity crisis,” Kanda responds, without looking up. “I don’t see why this is an issue.”

But despite Kanda’s harsh words, Lavi chuckles, sounding a bit pathetic. “Yeah, maybe,” he says softly. “Maybe you’re more suited to being a Bookman than I am, Yuu.”

Kanda only takes another sip. “Don’t be ridiculous,” he starts, in a way that sounds like he’s about to continue that thought with encouraging words for Lavi, but he doesn’t. He simply leaves it at that.

From anyone else, Lavi would be disappointed, but here and now he isn’t, because he knows that’s a lot to hear from Kanda Yuu. His next words are meant to be harmless, more of a ‘thank you for listening’ sort of thing, but what he says instead is: “I guess at the very least, even if I don’t know the truth about myself, I know the truth about you.”

Kanda glares at him then, slamming his glass onto the table. “You don’t know shit about me,” he snaps, voice much harsher than he’d intended, for which he blames the tequila even as he continues, “you don’t know _anything_.” And he makes a sudden move to leave — he isn’t going to stick around if Lavi was going to get deep and philosophical on him, that was not what he came here for.

Lavi stutters, arms flailing. “W-wait, Yuu, that’s not what I meant!” He slides across the seat to reach for Kanda, grabbing his wrist. “I’m sorry, please stay with me.”

Kanda turns his head back to glare daggers in his direction. “Give me one good reason.”

“Because you’d be leaving without your expensive tequila, for one,” Lavi says through a smile, “And you’d leave it for me to do shots and waste all your hard earned money.” Kanda almost turns back for the tequila alone but doesn’t quite finish the motion, waiting for another reason. “And two…” A pause. “I like your company.”

Kanda scoffs and continues turning away. “Bad answer.”

“No, it’s true!” Lavi leans forward to make sure his grip on Kanda’s wrist is still firm enough to keep him here, but sitting up so suddenly makes it _really_ apparent to him that he’s been drinking alcohol. The sudden rush to his head causes him to wobble, but he keeps his gaze on Kanda, despite the mean looks he’s getting. “I like your company because I…” And then he stops. Kanda raises a brow, which makes him look only the slightest bit less angry.

“Because you…?”

“Because I… and I’m probably only saying this because I’m really feeling the alcohol and this is exactly why I don’t drink, but because I... like you.”

“Yes, I’ve spent this entire night listening to your dilemma about a Bookman having friends.”

“Not… like that, Yuu,” Lavi continues, slowly loosening his grip on Kanda. “I like you. I _like_ you. I think you’re gorgeous and attractive and… okay, so your personality isn’t stellar, but that’s just something else I like about you. I don’t know what it is. Is that weird? Liking a shitty personality?”

“ _Shitty?_ ”

“Oops, okay, I didn’t exactly mean to use that word. I’m usually better at words than this, and this is _why I don’t drink!_ ” Lavi’s words tumble out from his lips as he looks up at Kanda, frantic and flustered and blushing up to his ears.

Kanda yanks his arm free. “Oh, well, _I’m sorry_ I tried to cheer you up by sharing the tequila then!” He sneers, voice filling with disdain. “If I knew you’d be this ungrateful I would have never came over to sit with you in the first place.”

“Wait! No that’s totally not what I meant, I’m sorry.” Lavi backtracks and tries again, “I ramble when I drink, I’m not trying to tell you it’s bad that you shared. I’m really, really glad you came over and thought about me, honest!” He uses his free hand to balance his weight on the table. “I’m sorry I’m not making any sense. Am I making any sense? I feel like I’m not making sense, and I’m rambling again!”

“You are making no sense.”

“Okay, the bottom line is, I’m glad you came over and shared something with me because I like knowing you. I like learning about you. And I want to know more about you because I like your company and I like you.” Lavi’s fingers tap the table in an arrhythmic dance that must only make sense in his head. “And I mean I like you… as more than a friend.”

That information seems to finally click in Kanda’s head, and he doesn’t know if it’s the realization that Lavi has _those kinds_ of feelings for him or the alcohol hitting him that makes his vision blur at the edges. An awful, pregnant pause hangs in between them as Lavi gazes up at him looking vulnerable and, well, tipsy, and Kanda drags on the silence because he’s unable to find the right words to say.

Finally, he does. “No you don’t.” Well done, Kanda. Bravo and genius.

“I was never going to say this to you, and once I sober up I know for a fact I might regret this.” Lavi’s voice is defensive. “A Bookman isn’t even supposed to have friends, let alone have actual feelings towards someone. Attachments, any people in my life that might affect my role as a Bookman. But somehow you — and Lenalee and Allen and Kro-chan and Miranda and _everyone_ — you’re all a part of my life now that I can’t leave behind. I don’t want to leave you all behind.” Lavi slowly sits back down. “I’m not strong enough to be a Bookman.”

Kanda pauses again, carefully planning out his next words through the tequila. He knows there’s really no going back once he asks this, but he does anyway. “Is this what’s been bothering you?”

Lavi looks like he’s shrinking, shoulders sagging, his throat suddenly feeling dry. “Yes,” he says finally.

“Hmph.” Kanda straightens, not really knowing what to do with this information. “I don’t see how that has anything to do with me.”

Kanda’s apparent apathy takes Lavi so aback he barely knows how to respond. “ _You_ are a part of the _identity crisis_ I am having that I have been telling you about because _somehow_ you got me to drink tequila with you.”

“So it’s _my_ fault then? Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t just leave you here to rot.” Kanda says darkly, reaching for where Mugen usually rests at his side. Lavi laughs when Kanda grasps at thin air, sounding a bit more like his usual demeanor.

“Because you don’t have Mugen with you,” he says, charming smile and all. “I think that alone is reason enough?” Lavi’s expression fades then, his voice softening. “It’s not your fault, Yuu. I’d never think that.”

Kanda scoffs once again, and reaches for his tequila. He pours some out into Lavi’s glass, and then some into his own glass, and then pounds it back. Lavi’s brows shoot up in surprise; well, so much for Kanda disapproving of expensive reposado shots.

Kanda sets the glass on the table and caps the bottle, his motions clipped and radiating a heavy aura of annoyance. “Good night,” he says with finality as he turns on his heel to walk away, leaving Lavi alone with his small glass of tequila and the rest of this thoughts.

 

* * *

 

A few nights later, Kanda sits alone in the cafeteria. Lavi isn’t here tonight, but that’s fine. Kanda didn’t come out for his company. It was simply… well, what he was about to say was ‘a plus,’ but that couldn’t be true.

Could it?

He doesn’t like Lavi. Or at least, doesn’t like Lavi in the same way Lavi had… admitted to him. Kanda shakes his head. There was little point in thinking about this now. Kanda didn’t know how to respond then, and he certainly doesn’t know how to respond now, even if it’s just to himself. Lavi seemed so… vulnerable talking to him. Like that was a glimpse of the real Lavi, the human buried deep down under layers and layers of old names and the burden of the Bookman legacy.

The Lavi Kanda actually does, he realizes, want to know more about.

It’s starting to make sense now, at least just a little bit. That maybe the Lavi everyone knew wasn’t really Lavi, wasn’t actually the person everyone was used to seeing light up a conversation with a silly joke or some idiotic gesture Kanda never understood the humor in.

That maybe the real Lavi was the uncensored, tipsy Lavi that was trying to reach out to Kanda that night. And Kanda hadn’t given him a chance.

Kanda closes his eyes and sighs into his tea, the hot steam relaxing his face.

That was enough thinking for tonight.

 

* * *

 

They meet eyes across the hall one day as Kanda passes through the halls towards the training rooms. Lavi trails off in the middle of his sentence with Lenalee when he catches Kanda’s gaze, mouth closing and expression serious for the split second it took for Kanda to look and turn away.

He doesn’t feel like talking to Lavi today. He doesn’t even want to think about Lavi. And yet, as Kanda finds his place in the training room and begins to meditate, that’s all he can think about. Lavi with his bright eye and glowing smile, Lavi with his messy hair and infectious laugh, Lavi with his strong grip and gentle voice. Lavi and his devotion to his friends, Lavi and his determination to fight for whatever he believes in. And Lavi and his love for sweets and coffee, which was a detail Kanda didn’t even think he knew until he started thinking about Lavi’s eating habits. _And why was he thinking about Lavi’s eating habits?_

Why was he thinking about Lavi at all?  

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> walks into this fandom with pizza and starbucks a hundred years late HELLO???


	2. Chapter 2

Lavi approaches him the next day.

“Hey, Yuu—” he begins, but is cut off by the ugly glare Kanda shoots in his direction at the sound of his first name. “Eugh! So scary!!”

“What do you want, Lavi?” Kanda asks, voice dark and impatient.

“Oh, um, well, I wanted to ask—”

“So ask.”

“Are you upset with me?” Lavi asks, his expression serious, voice wavering in apparent nervousness.

“Because of what?”

“Because of what I said to you that night.”

Kanda sighs and turns away. “No. I’m not,” he responds, already done with this conversation. “Nothing has changed between us. You’re still annoying as ever.”

Lavi seems to be satisfied enough with this answer. “I’m… glad,” he says, and the waver from earlier is gone. “Thanks, Yuu.”

“Stop calling me that!”  

 

* * *

 

Kanda is just about to go back to his room when he hears someone enter the cafeteria. He takes the last remaining sip of his tea and looks up just in time to see Lavi set a bottle of clear liquid on the table.

“What’s this?” Kanda asks, without any real energy behind his voice to indicate that he actually cares at all.

“A little gift for you,” Lavi says, a goofy grin on his face as he sets down two shot glasses in front of them. “Tonight, we drink tequila my way.”

“Shots?” Kanda frowns. “It better be some good quality tequila, then.”

“Of course! I had to spend some good money on this after you shared yours with me. Don’t worry, this isn’t the cheap stuff.”

Kanda hums, as if a small part of him is touched, but then he turns away. “I’m not interested.”

“Oof! But Yuu, you haven’t even given me a chance!”

“A chance to what?”

“Hang out with me, for one night. Let’s take some shots and chat. We won’t talk about anything that’s bothering us or making us sad, let’s just forget all of that for one night.” He pulls out a little bag as he speaks, dumping out a tiny salt shaker, limes, and a fruit knife. Lavi grabs the knife quickly, like he’s afraid he’ll look away for a minute and have it sticking out of his backside if he wasn’t careful enough around Kanda (Kanda notices this, and notes the knife’s location for his future reference).

“Hmph.” He crosses his arms. “Fine, but only because I’m already here and you went through all this trouble to get all of this.”

“Oh, it was no trouble at all—” Lavi pauses. “I mean, yes, it was… an effort,” he corrects himself, because he doesn’t want to lose Kanda’s attention now that he has it.

“So, walk me through it then,” Kanda says, pushing his tea mug away and focusing on the lime wedges that Lavi is cutting with the knife (Kanda updates his mental note as Lavi quickly tucks the knife away in a pocket. He always needs to know...). “Take me through this colossal waste of brain power.”

Lavi stops what he’s doing, shot glass in one hand and salt shaker in the other, and just looks at Kanda. “Y’know, you don’t have to be so _mean_.”

Kanda looks up, shooting Lavi a narrow glare. “Have you been drinking already?”

“No?” Lavi chuckles. “Sorry, I’m just feeling a little comfortable around you. It’s nice.”

Kanda scoffs at him, and then just waits for him to continue. If all Kanda was is _mean_ then he’ll keep his mouth shut for now. And that was a very strange realization in and of itself. For the first time in a very long time, Kanda cared about what someone else thought about him. Kanda cared about what _Lavi_ thought about him. And he hasn’t even started drinking.

“Okay, so what you want to do,” Lavi begins, pouring them both a hefty shot of tequila in each of their glasses. “Lick your hand here and shake some salt over it,” which he demonstrates, “Hold the lime wedge in that hand and the shot in the other, and then you just,” Lavi licks the salt off his hand, takes the shot, and immediately follows up with biting into the lime. “Whew!” He exhales when he’s finished, “That’s good! Your turn!”

Kanda watches all that and doesn’t really want to do any of it. But he’s already here and he might as well drink Lavi’s tequila since he had already shared some of his the other night. He sighs, and reluctantly reaches for the salt. He licks his hand, shakes salt onto it, and follows Lavi’s instructions. Lick the salt, take the shot, bite the lime. This tequila burns a lot more going down than his, and he automatically compares the spicier, pepper-forward notes and the afterbite of a sharp citrus peel lingering on this tongue to the caramel smoothness of his favored reposado. He must have made a face, because Lavi is chuckling at his reaction.

“You don’t take many shots, do you?” he asks, amused after watching Kanda slide the shot glass away.

“Like I said, I prefer to sip,” he replies, clearing his throat. “So, is this what you imagined tonight to be like? Teaching me how to take a shot?”

“I mean, yeah.” Lavi rests his chin on his hand. “You took that about exactly how I imagined you would. Let that one sit for a bit, and then let’s do one together.” Lavi gets up to get two glasses of water, which is smart, and Kanda watches him get up and come back a lot more intensely than he’d meant to.

“Have you thought more on your dilemma?” Kanda asks when Lavi slides him a glass of water.

“I thought we weren’t going to talk about the things that bother us,” Lavi responds, taking a small sip of water and feeling it cool the burn of the alcohol at the back of his palate.

“It doesn’t bother _me,_ ” Kanda says callously, “Besides, I don’t really know what else to talk about with you.”

“Right,” came Lavi’s reply, lips forming into a mock-pout. “We can talk about anything. Food, training, books… cute girls?” It was Kanda’s turn to rest his chin on his hands, but his stance looks a lot more menacing than Lavi’s casual posture. “...Or I guess I can just answer the question. I have, and I still don’t have any answers. I’m about where I am as the last time.”

“Hm,” Kanda eyes the empty shot glass, already thinking about doing another one. “So there’s been no progress.”

“No development to share, no.” Lavi picks his head up. “Wait, were you concerned?”

“What?” The question takes Kanda by surprise, but he plays it cool. “Don’t be ridiculous.”

“Aw, Yuu! Worried about _me_ ?” Lavi coos, poking him in the arm from across the table. Oh, Lavi is _lucky_ Kanda didn’t bring Mugen along, and even luckier that fruit knife is tucked away somewhere safe. “That’s very sweet of you.”

Kanda swats him away like an annoying bug. “I am not worried about you. I was only—” He stops himself, and, not wanting to give away the fact that he didn’t actually have a counter argument for himself, slides the two shot glasses back over. “Let’s do those shots.”

Lavi perks up like an excited puppy about to be given treats. “Yeah, okay! Now you’re talkin’!” He pours them both two shots and they both go through the motions. “Ready, one, two, three!” They clink the glasses together, tap the bottoms on the table, and down the shots. Lavi huffs out a loud breath after he’s done with the lime. “It’s like my younger years all over again…” He croons wistfully, a pleasant lilt in his voice.

“You say that like you’re old. You had friends who liked to do this with you?” Kanda asks in between frighteningly impassive bites of the lime wedge. Lavi represses a shudder and makes a mental note of this information, mostly because that’s just something he can’t unsee. Terrifying.

“Not really, I mean, growing up, my only constant companion was the old man.” Lavi says, playing with a stray fleck of salt on the table. “But there was this one town we stayed at for a while, a few years back before we joined up with the Order, that had a pretty popular bar. It’s where I had my first taste of alcohol.” He flicks the salt away. “Plus, the barmaid was just so cute…”

Kanda clears his throat, whether he meant to or not, at the mention of someone Lavi thought was attractive that was not him. That was… not intentional, right? Because this was the second time Lavi brought up a cute girl and the second time Kanda’s involuntary reactions were beginning to make themselves pretty obvious to the both of them. Kanda, again, blames it on the alcohol, because he actually can this time.

“Anyway,” Lavi continues, “Every now and then I’d stop by to hang out and the guys I’d usually chat with liked to take shots. Not just of tequila, it was just whatever they were feeling.”

Kanda raises a brow. “At the same time?”

“No, oh God no, not even the biggest of them can handle doing shots of mixed liquor. Like on different days or something.”

“What was your favorite?”

“Hmm…” Lavi taps his chin. “There was this honey whiskey I kinda liked. Oh, and this fruit flavored rum was also pretty tasty.”

“You just liked those because they’re sweet,” Kanda points out, his head returning to rest on his hand. Lavi makes eye contact with him, and Kanda watches a small little blush creep over his features.

“I do like sweet,” he laughs bashfully. “I didn’t think you knew what kind of flavors I liked.”

Kanda pauses, blinks, and hums, trying to sound dismissive but failing. “I guess I do.”

Hearing that makes Lavi feel a little warm, and he knows that can’t be the tequila just yet. “There’s this mead I really liked at the bar. And yes, I did like it because it’s sweet. Maybe we can find it somewhere here, I’d love for you to try it.”

“I don’t really like sweet things,” Kanda says, poking the rim of the shot glass with his finger. “And I don’t really like bars.”

“Okay, we can find something you like,” Lavi smiles, watching Kanda fondly and enjoying the conversation. “I’m sure any bar will have a big selection of tequilas. Maybe you’ll find something else you like!”

Kanda’s usual answer would have just been ‘No,’ but somehow, something somewhere inside him causes him to say, “Maybe,” instead. But it’s enough to launch Lavi into more excited chatter. Lavi, thrilled that Kanda is actually engaging him in conversation, can’t seem to keep his mouth shut. He talks about the bar he frequented and the group he hung out with. They were all older guys who came to the bar to drink after work — some of them worked in an office, some of them worked in construction, some of them didn’t really have a job at all, but they all met up at the same time on the same day to take shots and chat about life. The cute barmaid’s name was Alyssa, and Kanda learns a lot more about her than he does about the actual bar. Lavi chatters on about the drinks, and the grumpy old barkeep (who Lavi does his best impression of, and it almost makes Kanda chuckle. _Almost_.) who never wanted to sell Lavi anything after that one time Lavi got really drunk, knocked over a table, and caused a bar fight.

“I want to hear more about that,” Kanda interjects, “the bar fight.”

Lavi looks a little embarrassed. “Really? After everything I just told you, that’s what you want to hear about?” He pours two more shots and slides one at Kanda. “Fine, shots then story.”

They knock the shots back and Lavi is starting to really feel it. “Okay, so there I was, trying to impress Alyssa with my suave moves—”

“Suave, really?” Kanda interrupts, “Is that what you think you are?”

“Fine, my smooth and handsome game, obviously,” he amends, and Kanda tsks, but it sounds amused rather than annoyed. “And I’m drunk because I had way too much to drink that night, which is wild, ‘cause at that time I was an idiot teenager, and who gives an idiot teenager that much alcohol? Anyway, this guy comes up to the bar to order, but he kinda knocks into me, so I knock into him. But doing that makes me lose my balance and I fall and knock over a table, but the guy thinks someone is trying to fight him. So he punches the guy right next to him, and the next thing I know, half the bar is fighting each other. And the furniture gets wrecked, shirts are flying off, I’m trying to crawl over to chat up Alyssa the whole time, it was crazy.”

“And how much of that is true?”

Lavi meets his doubt with a goofy smile. “How much of it did you believe?”

Kanda rolls his eyes. “None of it.”

“Mean! That was all true!” Lavi pouts, which Kanda is starting to think is a cute look on him. Lavi reminds Kanda of someone… someone from long ago, someone he once loved. Someone long gone, and someone he doesn’t want to think about at all, so Kanda pours himself another shot.

Somehow, they make it to about five shots, with Kanda downing a few more (because he had _insisted_ he couldn’t get drunk like this with his healing ability) before things start to get hazy. Lavi is holding himself up practically on sheer will alone, and Kanda, despite his insistence, is faring no better.

“So I told her…” Lavi is slurring his words and barely even knows what he’s talking about anymore, “I can’t buy something I can’t see for myself. But she wouldn’t listen!”

“What a bitch,” Kanda engages this nonsensical conversation like it’s the most interesting thing in the world. “And then?”

“And then… she slaps me!” Lavi waves his arms around dramatically. “Right across the f— the fa—,” Lavi burps. It smells like tequila. “Face.”

“You deserved it,” Kanda mumbles, his head feeling like he’s swinging it around wildly with just the slightest motion. His gaze is having some trouble focusing, so he starts to stare at something easy to look at. He starts to stare at Lavi’s mouth.

Which Lavi notices. “Whassup?”

“Nothin’.”

Lavi tries to prop his head on his hand but he misses and kind of just splays out against the table instead. “No, whatcha thinkin’ about?”

“Does it matter what I’m thinking about?” Kanda asks a lot faster than he thinks he’s talking.

“Y’know,” Drunk Lavi changes the subject immediately, “I know I’ve said this to you before but, you’re really pretty, Yuu.”

“Don’t call me that.”

“You are! You’re sooo pretty. Like, how do you get so handsome?” Lavi reaches out and touches a strand of Kanda’s hair, running it between his fingers.

Drunk Kanda, face flushed from the alcohol, mutters the first word that pops in his head, which is: “Soap…”

Lavi smiles, big and wide. “I like you, Yuu. I like you a lot.”

“You said that already.” Kanda takes a sip of water, mouth feeling dry all of a sudden.

“I know, and now I can’t stop saying it.” Lavi tosses the strands of Kanda’s hair around. “I like you, I like you, I like you!”

“Sh-shut _up_ , you don’t have to keep saying it.”

“Can I braid your hair?”

“No.”

“I’m gonna braid your hair.” Lavi gets up to wobble over to Kanda’s side of the table, sliding onto the bench next to him. Kanda’s heart jumps at their proximity, which is a new development he doesn’t have the mental capacity to really process right now.

“Lavi…” Kanda opens his mouth, still feeling dry, and that’s all that comes out. He’s still staring at Lavi’s lips, suddenly so much closer than he expected them to be.

“Yeah?” Lavi breathes, running his hand through Kanda’s ponytail. “What’s up, Yuu?”

Kanda doesn’t do anything for a moment, stays as still as possible just inches away from Lavi, close enough that he can smell the alcohol on Lavi’s breath. If he wanted to, he could reach out and pull Lavi to him in a second. It would be foolish, but he could do it. He shouldn’t, but he could. Instead, he sticks to staring at Lavi’s lips. A comforting, familiar sight in his drunken haze.

“Are you alright, Yuu?” Lavi asks, his hand finding Kanda’s shoulder in a stabilizing way.

“I’m fine,” Kanda says and shrugs his hand off, which only slides down to the middle of his back instead. The touch sends a shiver up his spine, a sensation that was not lost on either of them, and Kanda realizes Lavi is gazing directly at him, half-lidded and intense, as his hand moves further down his back. Kanda tilts his head, parts his lips like he’s about to say something, but all that leaves him is an annoyed tsk.

“You’re so annoying,” he says, and in one swift motion he grabs Lavi by the front of his shirt and pulls him into a kiss. Lavi’s eye widens in surprise as Kanda shuts his eyes tight, not wanting to see Lavi’s reaction, and kisses him forcefully, like he just wants Lavi to shut up after waiting for him to make a move all night.

And… maybe he was.

Lavi’s hands finally reach up and find Kanda’s face, softening the kiss a little bit by taking the control away from Kanda. Lavi kisses him sweetly but with enough hunger to make it obvious he’s wanted to do this for a long time. It’s Kanda who slips in tongue past Lavi’s lips, a lot sooner than Lavi had been expecting, but Lavi takes it in stride, a hand moving to hold the back of Kanda’s head as he deepens the kiss. But Kanda pulls him closer, wraps his arms around Lavi and turns his body so that he can face the Bookman entirely, pressing up against him.

It’s clear the nature of the kisses is starting to turn heated, so Lavi drags Kanda up and maneuvers him until he’s up on the table, kissing him down so that Kanda lays against it, and Lavi slides between his legs. He’s kissing Kanda with more excited fervor than before, and Kanda wraps a leg loosely around Lavi’s waist, holding him there. Lavi’s hands wander in a way he never thought he’d be able to with Kanda, taking advantage of this moment and touching his chest, his waist, his stomach, his legs… and when they finally break apart, Lavi is enamoured by the way Kanda’s lips, slightly parted and waiting impatiently for Lavi’s to meet them again, glisten with saliva. Lavi moves his kisses to Kanda’s neck, trailing his tongue across the skin there, relishing the way Kanda shivers in his arms.

“Lavi…” Kanda breathes, fingers gripping the fabric of Lavi’s shirt. Lavi hums his acknowledgement against Kanda’s neck, and Kanda bites his bottom lip. Kanda guides Lavi back up to kiss at his mouth again, licking and nibbling at his lips. “Take me to my room.”

“Your room?” Lavi repeats, slowly sliding up and off him.

“Yeah,” Kanda affirms, and lets Lavi pull him up from the table. He wobbles and struggles to find his balance at first, stabilizing himself against Lavi. “C’mon.”

Walking back to Kanda’s room is the hardest thing both of them have ever done. Neither of them can walk in a straight line, wobbling and swaying against each other, and at one point Lavi needs to hold on to Kanda so he doesn’t careen away from him in a drunken stupor. Kanda roughly opens the door to his room — more like punches it open — and immediately slams the door shut behind them, and then he’s pushing Lavi up against the wall to kiss him again. He misses Lavi’s mouth the first few times, and Lavi has to hold him steady so they can kiss properly. He lets himself be yanked around by Kanda for a while, not really sure where the night was heading and _really_ unsure if Kanda knew what he was doing. Would he remember this in the morning? Would he talk to Lavi ever again?

Lavi ends up on Kanda’s bed with Kanda teetering on top of him, and it’s only when Kanda’s hands start to slide up his shirt that Lavi stops him.

“Wait, Yuu, hold on,” he manages, and Kanda either doesn’t hear him or pretends not to hear him, because he’s trying and failing to get Lavi’s shirt off. “I said hold on!”

“What?” Kanda responds, sounding annoyed. “Come on. Let’s do this.”

“What are you trying to do?”

Kanda stops, and sits back. Did he make the wrong assumption? Was he doing something wrong? He’d thought Lavi would have caught on by now but… “Lavi, are you an idiot?” Kanda slurs, incredulous, “I’m trying to have sex with you.”

“Oh,” Lavi says, like it wasn’t already obvious. “I-I mean I don’t mean it in a bad way, Yuu, I just don’t really think that’s a good idea right now!”

Kanda frowns, wobbling off him. “With all your talk about how much you like me, I thought you’d jump at this chance.”

“I… I’m not even going to go into what you just said cause there’s a lot to unpack there with your understanding of the situation,” Lavi’s words slur together quickly. “Well, okay, it’s not that I don’t want this to happen, it’s that I want this to happen very much but when we’re both sober and aware.”

“I am aware.”

“But you’re not sober,” Lavi says, “and neither am I. And I don’t want the first time anything happens between us to be… a drunk decision.”

“It is a drunk decision,” Kanda says, though he doesn’t mean to say that out loud. He sits back on the bed, but needs to to hold himself up so he won’t topple over. “It’s now or never, Lavi.”

Lavi sighs and sits up, gently sliding away from Kanda. “Okay, I guess I’ll just have to live with never.”

“Hm.” A hum is all Kanda can manage before collapsing down onto the pillow. He’s suddenly really tired and the room starts spinning the second he’s horizontal, so maybe not sleeping with Lavi was actually a good decision, though his drunk brain isn’t going to admit that. He reaches out towards Lavi, tugging on his shirt.

“Need help, Yuu?” Lavi scoops him up so he’s back upright, and his head kind of wobbles like a ragdoll. “Let’s get you ready for bed. What shirt do you sleep in?”

“I don’t want to,” Kanda says, tugging him closer with a grunt. “Come on, you know what I want.”

“Where’s your sleep shirt, Yuu?” Lavi repeats, and Kanda slowly points to a folded shirt shoved to the foot of the bed. “Okay, let’s change into that.” Lavi unbuttons Kanda’s shirt and tugs it off, tossing it to the floor. Kanda will have words about that at a later date, but that’s for future Lavi to deal with. Kanda sways when his shirt is tugged off and Lavi has to hold him up until he finds his balance again. “Okay Yuu, shirt time!” He helps Kanda pull his head through the shirt hole, and helps him get his arms into the sleeves. “Pants time?”

“Fuck pants, fuck me,” Kanda slurs his words and Lavi is _really_ glad he decided to stop tonight.

“Yuu, pants,” Lavi says firmly, like talking to a child, until Kanda rolls over to grab pants that had fallen in between his bed and the wall. He throws them at Lavi.

“Fuck you,” he mumbles drunkenly, and flops down on his back.

“Yup, got it.” Lavi goes to undo Kanda’s pants, and pauses. “Yuu, please don’t hate me in the morning.”

“Already will,” Kanda says, staring blankly at how the ceiling spins around him.

Lavi sighs as he undoes Kanda’s pants and starts to tug them off his legs. “You know I wish I were taking these off for good.”

“So why don’t you?” Kanda sits up too fast and almost falls off the bed trying to grab Lavi’s wrists and pull them back to him. “I already said it’s okay.”

“You’re making it really hard to say no!” Lavi whines. “But it’s still no! You’re drunk, and it’s not happening.”

Kanda groans, frustrated, and flops back down onto his pillow. “Fine.” He lets Lavi help change his pants and rolls over to face away from him so he won’t have to talk to him anymore, and finally he hears Lavi open the door to leave.

“Sleep well, Yuu,” Lavi calls out to him, but Kanda doesn’t answer.

 


	3. Chapter 3

Lavi wakes up the next morning and has no idea what to do.

He feels like _death_ , a pounding headache festering behind his eyes (his fault, for not drinking enough water between shots), and the last thing he wants to do is see how Kanda is faring. Sober Kanda was already bad, but hungover Kanda? Lavi would honestly rather die than interact with hungover Kanda.

He drags his sorry ass into the bathroom to wash his face and take care of business. The simple tasks take so much longer than usual because the lights were _so bright_ and Lavi’s head hurt _so much_ , and it all gives him too much time to think about Kanda and what happened last night.

Everything was awful.

By the time he’s able to finish getting himself ready for the day, it’s already almost lunch, and Bookman is just about ready to tear him a new one. _Oh please don’t_ , Lavi internally begs, because he really isn’t sure he can handle any kind of conversation right now, let alone a proper Bookman scolding.

He passes by the training room and from the corner of his eye he sees a familiar figure sitting on the floor. Kanda sits meditating peacefully next to Lenalee, who is doing her best not to fall asleep mid-meditation.

And in her attempt to not fall asleep, she does something Lavi hoped she wouldn’t.

She opens her eyes and sees him.

“Oh, good morning Lavi!” she calls out with absolutely no second thought. The sudden sound of her voice, and most likely Lavi’s name, causes Kanda to grimace. Lavi would be undoubtedly impressed — and would probably eat his own eyepatch — if Kanda wasn’t also sporting an equally-as-agonizing hangover. Lenalee doesn’t notice Kanda’s reaction though, and gets up to walk over and properly greet Lavi. Kanda turns away without even opening his eyes.

“Ah, morning,” Lavi responds, much quieter than her. “Can we talk out in the hall?”

“Is everything okay?” Lenalee follows him and tilts her head. Gah, she is so cute, Lavi can’t hide anything from her.

“Y-yeah,” Lavi responds when they’re a good enough distance away from the training hall. “I just… don’t really want to talk to Kanda right now.”

“Is this about you two drinking last night?” she asks, and the question has Lavi’s blood running cold. How did she know? And as if she could read his mind, she continues: “Oh, Kanda’s really hungover and told me he’d been drinking. And I see you’re hungover too so… I figured you two drank together.”

“Ah… ah. Yeah,” is all Lavi can really say. “So… how is he?”

“Hungover. Nasty.” She half rolls her eyes, not really wanting to be rude but really wanting to convey that she was kind of annoyed at Kanda’s attitude today. “Honestly, I decided to meditate with him today because he was too hungover to retaliate.” She leans in like she wants to share a secret. “And I talked to him. A lot.”

Oh, Lenalee was scary. Lavi makes a note not to get on her bad side, as if that wasn’t already a note he’d made a long time ago.

“Hey, Lenalee, can I take you out to lunch?” Lavi asks out of nowhere.

“Huh?”

“I… really need someone to talk to.” Lavi looks around and lowers his voice. “Someone who can keep a secret, hopefully? And I don’t really want to talk here.”

“Oh, sure! Can I pick the place? There’s a new bakery that opened up not far from here…”

And that’s how Lavi ended up eating lunch at a small bakery with Lenalee, watching her happily enjoy a slice of cake before her actual food even got to the table.

“So, you’ve been chatting with Kanda at night over drinks and the situation escalated and you ended up in his room, refused his advances because he was drunk, and now you’re here?” Lenalee repeats, as if everything she’d just said wasn’t just the wildest series of events she’d ever heard. And it probably was, but she’s doing her damndest to hide how she really feels about the situation. She’s doing a great job.

“And you have to promise not to tell anyone about this.” Lavi picks at his pasta dish with little appetite. “If he found out that anyone knew, he’d skin me on the spot and wear me like a pelt.”

“Of course I won’t tell anyone,” she says. “This is a really… complicated situation. What did you even do afterwards?”

Lavi doesn’t want to answer that, because the real answer is that he went to his room and pathetically jerked off, and he isn’t going to tell Lenalee that, so he very clumsily says, “Went to bed. Sleep.”

Lenalee puts down her fork and clasps her hands together in thought. “So… how do you feel about everything?”

“Honestly?” Lavi scratches his head with a sigh. “Pretty awful. I feel like I’ve violated his trust. I didn’t expect things to end up like that.”

“You didn’t let anything happen, though.”

“I know! I know, but _something_ still happened between us. We still…” Lavi swallows, nervous to even continue this conversation. “I mean, how do you come back from kissing Kanda? How do you come back from _refusing_ Kanda?”

“He was drunk, Lavi,” Lenalee reminds him with a frown. “And you did the right thing. Everything would be a lot worse if you actually let it continue.”

“I wanted to say yes so badly, Lenalee.” Lavi almost doesn’t even want to tell her this. “I wanted it to keep going but I knew I shouldn’t. That would have been so… so _wrong_ —”

“And probably would have left you pretty unsatisfied,” Lenalee says, through a nonchalant sip of tea. “And then he’d probably never say yes again.” Lavi almost chokes on his own spit at her words.

“R-right…”

“But you really did the right thing. And hangover or not, Kanda hasn’t killed you yet, so I think you’re alright for now.”

“I just…” Lavi hangs his head, shameful and distraught. “I like him, Lenalee. I really do. And I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if I’ll stop feeling this way towards him, but after last night I’m not sure how to move forward.”

“Lavi…” Lenalee tentatively reaches out to touch his hand gently, a comforting gesture. “You’re not going to like this answer, but you need to talk to him. It doesn’t have to be right now, but if you really like him and you want to resolve things, you need to talk to him.”

“Yeah, but… it’s _Kanda_.” Lavi looks at her hand over his from the corner of his eye. “You can’t talk to Kanda.”

“It doesn’t matter who it is, any relationship needs to have proper communication,” Lenalee says. “If you want to pursue a romantic relationship with Kanda, you have to have proper communication. Even if it’s Kanda.”

“And how am I supposed to do that?”

“Well, trying, for starters.” Lenalee sits back, crossing her arms. “Have you tried? Or have you spent all morning trying to avoid him because you’re afraid of what he’ll say?”

Argh, she’s right, and this is embarrassing.

Lavi lets out the longest sigh of the day (so far, and the day is still young). “And the worst part is I know I’m going to be the one to instigate that. Because I know he’s not going to. He’d let me rot in silence forever if he could.”

“I don’t think so.” Lenalee pokes at the crumbs of her cake. “Kanda comes off as really aloof and mean, but he’s not really that person deep down.”

“Is this the secret side of Kanda that only you know?” A small smile finds its way onto Lavi’s lips, the first one today, and it feels like a relief.

“I’ve known him for a long time,” she says, “and I think you’ll have time to get to know that Kanda too.” Lenalee tries to scoop up as many small cake crumbs as she can, not wanting her cake to be gone just yet. “Lavi, if he really went out of his way to cheer you up and talk to you, I think that means he cares, don’t you?”

Lavi sits back and ponders that for a moment. Would Kanda have shared his tequila with anyone else at the Order? Would Kanda have sat with anyone else and listened to their problems like he did with Lavi? His immediate answer is no, but he also isn’t sure he knows Kanda well enough to really say.

Okay, the answer to that is probably a definite no, but Lavi still can’t wrap his head around the fact that Kanda might care about him in that roundabout, frustrating way that only Kanda Yuu can achieve.

“Give him some time,” Lenalee continues. “When he’s not hungover, I think he might want to talk to you, too.”

“I think he’ll want an excuse.”

“An excuse?”

“Kanda can’t just say things the way they are. Not these kinds of things, anyway,” Lavi says, and his sudden seriousness takes Lenalee aback. “He’s the type of person to try and find an excuse to talk to me again, instead of just wanting to talk to me because he wants to talk to me. He’s too proud for that. And I don’t want him to need an excuse to just talk to me, I want him to talk to me because he actually _wants to talk to me_. It just wouldn’t feel right otherwise. And maybe… in the past I’d want to give him that excuse. But now I… I don’t want Kanda to need an excuse to be with me.” Lavi stares intensely at the forgotten pasta in his plate, now cold and sticking together in congealing sauce. “I want it to be real, Lenalee. That’s why I didn’t let anything happen last night. He told me…” He swallows. “He told me it was just a drunken decision. I really like him, I want anything that happens between us to be more than that.” When he looks up, Lenalee’s eyes are sparkling. “L-Lenalee?”

She sniffles, “T-that was just… so genuine, Lavi. I didn’t know you knew so much about Kanda.”

“W-well, I don’t, really—” But Lenalee interrupts him.

“No, you do. That’s exactly what Kanda might be thinking right now.” She says, and smiles at widely at him. “I guess that’s the power of being a Bookman, right?”

Lenalee’s words strike something in his heart. “Somehow, you always know what to say. Thank you, Lenalee.”

“Thank you for sharing all this with me.” She beams at him. “And I promise not to tell anyone. But your next step is to talk to him.”

“Yeah, the easiest part, right?” he says sarcastically, sitting back in his chair. “I know you’re right. We’ll get nowhere unless we talk. But I don’t even know if the feeling is mutual.” Lenalee looks like she’s about to say something, but Lavi quickly continues to finish the thought before she can. “The feelings, I mean, not whether or not we should talk. I don’t know if he feels the same way about me.”

“It’s possible. It’s also possible he hasn’t even thought about it until you brought it up,” Lenalee says, finally pushing the cake plate away from her, perhaps to resist the temptation to actually lick the damn thing clean. She takes a sip of her tea, now lukewarm and forgotten in favor of conversation and cake. “You have to realize… Kanda is an idiot. I say this with love. But he’s an idiot.” She giggles, and takes another sip before continuing. “He may have not even considered his feelings towards you until you confessed to him.”

“I doubt he’ll tell me.” Lavi taps his fingers on the table in thought. “I doubt he’ll even want to have this conversation with me. I bet he’ll just storm out the second he sees me.”

“So…don’t give him a chance to.” Lenalee taps her chin thoughtfully, and Lavi picks his head up.”

“What?”

“If you want to have a serious talk with him and you don’t want him to run away from you, maybe… try making sure he can’t?” She laughs a bit nervously. “I mean, obviously don’t tie him down or anything, I just mean maybe try to get him in a situation where he has to talk to you.”

Lavi looks at her for a long while, just stares blankly at her thinking about his options and her words, and she shifts in her seat as if she said something wrong. Finally, he rockets out of his chair, slamming his hands on the table and causing her to shriek. “Lenalee, you’re a genius!”

“I-I am?”

“That’s exactly what I’m going to do! Thank you!” He immediately bounces out of the cafe, leaving a stunned Lenalee gawking after him at the table.

“W-wait, Lavi, who’s gonna—!” Lenalee sighs and hangs her head. “I thought you were gonna pay…”

 

* * *

 

A few days later, Kanda is mid-push-up when Lavi approaches him in the training room. Kanda looks up, sees that it’s Lavi, and looks right back down again to resume his workout. Lavi shifts his weight onto one leg and tilts his head playfully.

“Hi Yuu. Want to train with me?” Lavi asks, his smile lopsided and adorable, which is exactly what Kanda thinks of it too, so he tries not to meet his grin.

“No.”

“Let’s spar today.”

“Ask someone else.” There were a few others in the room — several Order personnel letting off some steam, plus Marie trying to teach Miranda not to scream and cower at the first sign of danger. It was a process.

“C’mon, Yuu, you’re really gonna turn down the chance to beat me up?” And that’s what gets Kanda standing upright and glaring at him.

“Fine, you wanna spar? Let’s do it,” Kanda says sharply, stretching his arms. Lavi smirks at him and takes off his shirt, tossing it to the side.

“No Innocence, okay?” he says, and Kanda just spits out a low “Fine.” At least that way, Lavi knows he can be safe from Mugen.

Kanda throws the first punch, and Lavi expertly dodges it, throwing one back his way. Kanda blocks that one and lunges, just barely swiping at Lavi’s face, so close Lavi can smell the sweat on Kanda. He’s quick, but not quick enough to dodge an unexpected kick from Lavi to the abdomen. Kanda steps back with a low grunt, and then lunges again. They’re throwing punches and swipes and kicks so fast, the rest of the room starts to stop and stare; Kanda’s careful precision versus Lavi’s aggressive improvisation has them pretty evenly matched, and eventually Lavi moves to grab Kanda. Kanda retaliates by reaching out to block his hands, but Lavi presses against his hold, lowering his head in close.

“We need to talk.”

“I am not talking to you here.”

“Oh, so elsewhere then?” Lavi growls back, and Kanda uses the momentum to toss Lavi to the side. He looks around, only now noticing the others in the training room had stopped to watch them spar. Lavi gets up and barrels into Kanda, taking advantage of the distraction. Kanda grunts when he hits the floor, but he’s quick to kick Lavi off of him.

Lavi rolls, grabbing Kanda with him, until he’s pinned Kanda down. “How much of that night do you remember?”

Kanda looks away with a frustrated “hmph” and doesn’t answer, instead trying to force Lavi off him, but Lavi pushes back.

“Okay fine,” Lavi’s voice strains trying to keep Kanda still. “If you don’t want to tell me, here’s a refresher.”

Kanda throws Lavi off of him and stands. “I don’t want to hear it!” He charges to throw a series of jabs at Lavi, who does his best to dodge them. He’s hit on the shoulder and loses his balance for a split second, and Kanda uses that small window of opportunity to shove Lavi against the wall. “Is that why you’re here? Because you want to talk about that?”

Lavi grips Kanda’s arms to force him away, but doesn’t quite let go when he should. “How else am I gonna get you to listen?” He ends up using his knee for a low blow to the stomach to knock Kanda off guard and then grabs him in a headlock. Kanda strains against Lavi’s grip, trying to squirm out of it.

“We got really drunk,” Lavi begins, voice a low whisper so no onlookers could hear. “And you really, really, wanted to sleep with me.” Kanda struggles even harder with every one of Lavi’s words, which may mean Kanda actually did remember the events of that night, and _really_ didn’t want to hear any of it. He thrusts himself forward to flip Lavi over him, and Lavi hits the floor with an audible thump. “Ow…” He coughs as Kanda hovers over him with a nasty glare, waiting for him to get back up.

When Lavi stands back up, he assumes a fighting stance once again, ready to handle whatever Kanda throws at him, and Kanda immediately rushes at him again. His movements are quick, but he’s putting in a lot more force behind them now and deliberately missing clear shots, like he’s just trying to catch Lavi off guard instead of actually hitting him, or even subtly giving him the chance to talk. Lavi takes this as the opening it is and knocks Kanda back in return before stumbling back just to catch his breath. They’re both panting, meeting each other’s scowls, but Lavi can see the tiny sparkle in Kanda’s eyes, as if despite his gruff demeanor, he’s actually having some small semblance of fun. So Lavi flashes him a quick smirk.

“I’m not done with you yet,” he huffs, just about ready to go at it again.

“Give me your best shot, then,” Kanda challenges, and Lavi pounces, all punches and hard blows where he knows Kanda will block them, trying to give himself a bit more time to speak.

“Do you remember that, Yuu?” Lavi manages between punches, and Kanda meets him halfway to grab his hands. They wrestle for a moment, both straining to gain the upper hand, and end up holding each other’s gaze as they keep the struggle going far longer than it needed to be. “Do you remember trying to get me to fu—” Kanda finally cuts him off with a majestic kick, a graceful roundhouse that comes out of nowhere and knocks the wind clean out of Lavi’s lungs. Lavi stumbles back and just barely catches himself from falling.

“Fuck you,” Kanda spits.

“Come do it yourself,” Lavi teases, and the look of absolute _distaste_ on Kanda’s face is worth it for the barb. Phew, getting beat up by Kanda sure was making Lavi feel some type of way.

“I remember,” Kanda says then, his voice hushed as others went in and out of the training room around them, their interest in the sparring match finally faded. “And you refused me.”

“Hell yeah I did,” Lavi says, “because we were drunk.”

“Tsk. Who cares.”

“I do,” Lavi says loudly, exasperated, and when he sees someone turn their head to look at them from the corner of his eye, Lavi jumps back into sparring, hoping to get his point across before Kanda has enough of him. He goes in for what looks like a punch, but then stops halfway to switch into a leg sweep, and Kanda almost, _almost_ trips, but his stumbling is enough for Lavi to take the upper hand. He slams Kanda down using his body weight and holds him there. “I like you, Yuu. And you’ll have to believe me, I’d like to sleep with you, really, I do. But I’m not going to do that unless you like me too.” Kanda narrows his eyes at that, to which Lavi only smirks, a flirtatious lilt finding his voice. “I want it...” he reaches out and runs a hand through Kanda’s hair, a slow, teasing gesture to taunt Lavi’s current advantage. “...to be special.”

Kanda’s expression flickers through several different emotions as he tries to comprehend that, but once the taunt processes, Kanda is flinging Lavi off him with a sudden strength he hadn’t yet showcased in their sparring and Lavi doesn’t even know where this energy is coming from. Kanda clamps onto Lavi’s shoulders just a moment longer than he strictly needs to, and propels him into the air in an impressive display of power. Lavi is flying across the room before he even realizes it and splats on the floor mat, sweaty limbs sticking to a mat and confused about what just happened.

“Idiot!” Kanda yells, so loudly the whole room stops what they’re doing to look at him and the flustered blush coloring his angry features. The sight of that has Lavi blushing, too.

“I’m done with this conversation,” Kanda declares, and storms out of the room, leaving Lavi on the floor thinking about the adorable crimson glow on Kanda’s face.

 

* * *

 

It takes another day and a half before either of them really have a chance to talk to each other again, but Kanda is the one who approaches Lavi this time.

He catches Lavi in the cafeteria again one night. Kanda had just finished showering and was headed towards his room, when he spots Lavi in the usual seat again. Lavi doesn’t have a cup of coffee in front of him for once, instead munching on a plate of cookies and reading a book.

Kanda supposes some tea while his hair dries won’t hurt.

Lavi looks up just as Kanda approaches him, and smiles when Kanda wordlessly sits down right beside him. On the _same side of the table_. What a development!

“Hi there,” Lavi greets him. “You smell great.”

“Tsk,” is all Kanda gives him as he takes a small sip of tea. It’s too hot for him to drink right now, so he sets it down to cool. “What are you reading?”

Lavi looks down at the book on the table. “Oh, this? Nothing really special. Just a book the old Panda is making me read on some historical event and blah blah blah.” He smoothly slides the book across the table. “I’d rather talk to you.”

“I don’t have anything to say.”

“Tell me about your day,” Lavi prompts, and very tentatively brushes his leg against Kanda’s, just the slightest of touches to see if Kanda will let him. Kanda gives him a look, glances down at their legs, and then back up to take another sip of tea, surprisingly allowing Lavi get away with that.

“Wasn’t anything special.”

“You went on a pretty quick mission today.” Lavi leans in. “What was that like?”

Kanda holds the tea closer to his face, enjoying the hot steam. “Just something local. We thought there was Innocence nearby. Turned out to be a false report.” He takes a small sip. “Finders are looking into it now.”

“At least you got to come back.” Lavi breaks a cookie in half and offers it to Kanda, who declines. “That would suck if they made you stay out too.”

Kanda hums and takes another sip of tea. It’s cooled down enough to drink now, so Kanda decides he’ll stay until he’s done with the tea, and then he’ll leave Lavi to do…whatever it was he was doing. Reading a book?

But something inside Kanda actually really wants to entertain a conversation with Lavi today. Maybe it was the new soap he’d used in the shower, but Kanda was feeling a little generous tonight and he didn’t mind chatting with Lavi.

So he asks the first question that comes to mind. “Tell me about Deke.” Kanda’s always wanted to ask Lavi this question, but would never have been patient enough to sit through the answer before today.

Lavi sits back. “Deke?”

“That was your previous name, wasn’t it?”

“Well, yeah.” Lavi blinks, bringing his arms to rest on the table. “I mean, it was my previous alias, but Deke was still me.” He gives Kanda a classic trademark Lavi smile. “It wasn’t like a different personality or something.”

“I see,” Kanda says. What he meant to ask about was what Lavi’s life was like before the Order, but he doesn’t really want to come off as being _too_ interested in his life. He sips his tea quietly and doesn’t continue the thought.

Lavi continues it for him, humming and tapping his chin. “I guess I was a little more serious as Deke,” he says, “maybe my sense of humor hadn’t really settled into itself yet. You probably would have liked Deke a lot better.”

“I like Lavi,” Kanda says, deliberately, and Lavi freezes up.

“Wh-what?”

Kanda sets down his mug, and looks up to make eye contact with Lavi. “I like Lavi,” he repeats, focusing on how just three words leave the Bookman successor with his mouth wide and stumbling over his words.

“Like— as in, like the way I…?”

Kanda sighs, deciding that maybe this was enough sharing for tonight and finishing the last of his tea quickly, gently placing the mug off to the side. “Don’t think too much on it,” he says, knowing Lavi will do the exact opposite and not really caring either way, and he stands up to leave.

“Wait, Yuu,” Lavi calls out, and turns Kanda’s attention back to him again. “Don’t leave yet.”

“That’s all I really have to say.”

Lavi gets up and moves to follow him. “Is that really true? Do you like Lavi?”

“Compared to Deke? Yes, if that’s what you’re asking.”

“No, not compared to Deke. Do you like me?” Lavi slowly reaches out towards him, wanting so badly to touch his hand, to thread his fingers through his hair, or at the very least stand a little closer to him.

Kanda lets out another sigh; it’s shorter this time, but sounds more exasperated than the last. “Do you want me to?”

“Of course I do,” Lavi says. “Of course I want you to feel for me the way I feel about you.”

“You can’t force me to feel that way.”

“And I’d never try to,” Lavi says, stepping closer. “God, I’d never want you to feel forced. I’d want you to like me because you like me, not because I told you to.”

Kanda doesn’t say anything, and Lavi doesn’t push it, because this time Kanda _does_ have Mugen and that’s always a threat.

“I’m sorry, Yuu, I didn’t meant to upset you,” he says, “I just want to talk about this.”

“What is there to talk about?”

“Just— this! You, me, us. I really, really want to be with you. But of course I won’t push it if you really don’t feel that way about me.” Kanda doesn’t look like he’s going to say anything, his gaze moving between Lavi and the wall. “You know how I feel about you, but you’ve never given me an answer about how you feel. If you really want me to stop, I will. I won’t ever bring this up again and I won’t do anything that will make you feel uncomfortable. But I need you to tell me you don’t feel the same way so I can move on, if that’s true..”

Kanda, still, doesn’t respond.

“It’s really fine if you don’t! Please, Yuu. Just give me an answer.”

Finally, Kanda looks down. “I’m sorry.”

Lavi sits back on his heels, a little disappointed but in a way that he expected this. “Okay—”

“I can’t.”

“You can’t?”

“I can’t give you an answer.”

“Why not?”

“Because I…” Kanda bites his bottom lip in a rare show of frustration. “I don’t know.”

“I mean, that’s okay, but I—”

“I don’t know how I feel right now,” Kanda says quickly. “About you. I don’t know how I feel about you.” It doesn’t seem like he can keep his gaze on Lavi, his fingers curling into a fist, and every word that leaves his lips makes him feel more and more frustrated. “I am… confused.”

“And it’s… not a no?”

“It’s… not a no. I don’t know what it is.” He finally looks away completely, turning his body so he won’t be tempted to look at Lavi at all. “And I don’t like it.”

“Do you… want to talk about it?”

“No,” Kanda says quickly, “I don’t.”

“Kanda,” Lavi says, hoping that using his last name like he wants will help Kanda take him more seriously, “at some point, you’re going to have to.”

“And I’ll work it out myself.”

“I want to help you—”

“I need you to stay away from me, honestly,” Kanda says, his hand actually moving towards Mugen instinctively. “I don’t need you influencing my decision.”

“...Excuse me?” Lavi’s entire expression darkens like Kanda has never seen before. Lavi opens his mouth to speak, incredulous, but then closes it, running a hand through his own hair. “You want me to stay away from you so I don’t influence your decision on how you feel about me,” he repeats, hoping that maybe saying it in his own voice will make it sound a little better. It doesn’t. “Alright, you know what? I’ve honestly had enough.”

“What?”

“I’ve been chasing you around in a circle. I’m not going anywhere, am I? And I thought maybe this was progress, maybe we could finally talk about it, but we’re never going to do that, are we?” Lavi shifts his weight onto one leg and tries not to let the frustration show in his voice. “I think I’d like to take this whole interaction as a rejection, alright? I think it’s just healthier that way, for the both of us.”

“Lavi, I didn’t—”

“Tomorrow, we’re just going to be exorcists at the Black Order, alright? Like how things used to be. I’m sure that’ll be fine for you and nothing will change.”

“Lavi—”

“You’ve made it really obvious, Kanda,” Lavi says, and then turns away to leave. “It’s fine. That’s what I needed to hear. I just wish you would actually say it.”

Kanda watches him walk towards the door, and he steps forward. “Lavi, wait, that’s not what I meant!”

“Please, stop, Kanda.” Lavi’s entire expression seems to be a mix of frustration and sadness, an ugly combination that tugs at Kanda’s heart. “Don’t make this harder than it already is.”

When Lavi leaves, there’s a sudden feeling of emptiness in the room. For the first time in a long, long time, Kanda feels painfully alone.


	4. Chapter 4

Watching Lavi laugh with Allen and Lenalee is the hardest thing to see right now. 

Kanda sits alone on a train to Barcelona en route to a mission and looks out the window. The other three are sitting far away from him, laughing about something he isn’t listening to. Lavi was telling a joke Kanda isn’t privy to, so he doesn’t go out of his way to listen. He was right, they did go back to the way things were, but Lavi had left him alone completely. He didn’t try to come over and pester him. He didn’t try to braid his hair or talk about cute girls. He didn’t try to call him Yuu. And  _ that  _ was something Kanda thought he’d never miss. There was only one person in this life he’d allow to call him that, and that person wasn’t Lavi. And yet, such a huge part of him wants to hear that name in Lavi’s voice. That was what crushed him the most right now about the state of their relationship — realizing he didn’t hate it when Lavi called him Yuu anymore.

They discover the Innocence fairly quickly, despite Komui’s warning about the possibility of a high level Akuma. It’s why all four of them were sent out together instead of solo or duo missions like most reports called for — Barcelona is a large and populated city, and the very threat of a Level 3 was enough to send all of them on a single search mission. 

It turns out the Innocence is hidden in a music box. At some point it had wedged itself between the gears of an old music box in the belongings of a young woman named Gellisa, who had lost her fiance in an accident a few months earlier.

“Please,” she begs the exorcists when they come for the music box. “It’s the only thing I have left to remember him by.” She holds the box close to her chest, winding the key slowly. “And when it plays, it’s like a dream. It’s like he’s right here beside me. It’s like I fall asleep and dream about our life together. Sometimes it’s memories of the past. The time we met, our first date together, when he proposed… other times it’s as if I can see what our future would have been,” she explains as she finishes winding, and a very slow, melancholy tune begins to play from the box. “I see my wedding dress, I see the church we would have been married in. I see a house filled with laughter and love, and the smell of warm syrup and fresh bread. Sometimes I see a dog, sometimes I see children, sometimes I see both.” Her voice begins to crack, unable to swallow back the sadness any longer. “The scenario is always different. But he’s always there. Like no matter what our life together would have been like, he would always be there.” 

“The music makes you see him whenever you play?” Lenalee asks, clearly intrigued.

“The Innocence gives you a vision of when you were at your most happiest. Or when you would have been,” Lavi explains. “In Gellisa’s case, it didn’t matter what happened in her life. She was the happiest with her beloved.”

“That feels…” Lenalee looks away. “That feels cruel.”

Lavi steps towards her. “Can anyone else use this music box? Or does it only work for you?”

“I’ve only had my mother try it before, but it works for her as well,” Gellisa answers. “Why?”

“So she’s not an Accommodator,” Lavi says, turning to look at Allen, who nods.

“I’m sorry,” Allen says, “but if this box contains Innocence, then we have to take it back with us.”

Gellisa looks clearly distressed by this, and holds it closer to her. “Please, don’t, it’s the only thing I have left to remember him by. I can’t let go of it. I-I don’t have anything else.” Her voice cracks as she speaks, and she is very clearly trying to hold back tears. 

Lenalee turns to look at the rest of them. “If we take this from her, we risk the Earl visiting her and turning her into an Akuma.”

“But if we leave it, she’s in danger of an Akuma or Noah attack,” Allen says, frowning. “I’m not sure what to do.” 

“Tch. Just take it,” Kanda interrupts and starts to walk toward her, but Allen and Lenalee both step in front of him to stop him. “Get out of my way.”

But the music box begins to really pick up as the gears slide into place. Gellisa clutches the box to her chest protectively and closes her eyes to dream once more, an immediate comfort to her panic. Kanda scoffs and looks away, moving to push past Allen and Lenalee, but he stops when he sees the two of them are clearly also touched by the Innocence’s dream. He doesn’t know what they’re dreaming about — he can assume it’s about each other given the faint blushes on both of their cheeks — but Kanda doesn’t care, and he doesn’t have any interest in anything but returning the Innocence back to headquarters. 

If Allen and Lenalee want to experience the dream, then so be it. He’d leave them to sort out their own business. When Kanda turns away, the sight he sees before him nearly knocks the breath right out of his lungs. He gasps and his eyes grow wide — because standing before him was someone who should never be standing again, let alone appearing right before him.

Standing in front of him is Alma, smiling and free like the day they met so many years ago.

“Y-you…” Kanda begins, but stops. This was the music box. This was the Innocence. Alma Karma was dead.

“It’s good to see you, Yuu!” Alma says, and when Kanda blinks again, he’s back at the Order, but Alma is there, dressed in an exorcist’s uniform with a goofy smile on my face. 

_ No _ , Kanda thinks, _ this isn’t right. How could I be my happiest at the Order?  _

_ It’s not the Order, it’s the fact that Alma is alive, _ another part of his brain whispers. _ I could do anything anywhere and be at my worst, but Alma is the one that keeps me at my happiest? _

Kanda doesn’t mean to step forward, but his feet move on their own anyway. 

“Don’t I look cool, Yuu?” Alma says, spinning around in his new exorcist uniform. “I think yours looks a little cooler though. I love that long jacket!” Alma laughs, “Do you think they’d give one to me too if I asked for it?”

“Alma…” Even the name sounds foreign coming out of his mouth. No, Alma is dead. Kanda killed him with his own hands years ago. Alma isn’t here anymore. Alma is dead.  _ Alma is dead. _

And still, despite the thoughts rattling around in his mind, Kanda reaches out to touch him. But when the trembling tips of his fingers touch the soft skin of Alma’s cheek, something shifts, something changes, and he isn’t Alma anymore. Kanda blinks once again, and his hand now rests softly on Lavi’s face instead. 

“L-Lavi?” Has Kanda woken up from this dream yet? Has the music stopped? He can hear the faint melody drifting in from afar. Is he still under the Innocence’s spell? 

“It’s good to see you, Yuu,” Lavi says, tenderly placing his hand over Kanda’s, his voice soft and gentle and repeating the exact words Alma said earlier. 

“This isn’t real,” Kanda says loudly, apparently loud enough to snap himself out of it, because he wakes up with a sharp gasp outside Gellisa’s house. He looks around, the bright sun causing him to squint and hold his hand over his eyes. Had he just been standing here in a daze the whole time? He’s standing by himself, so the others still must be inside. 

Kanda is about to turn to go back inside — honestly, he’s not even sure how he ended up outside in the first place — when he hears an explosion coming from nearby. A sudden powerful gust of wind kicks up dust and debris, blowing past Kanda so strongly he has to cover his face with his arms. When he looks up, he sees a familiar figure in the distance — a grotesque and ugly demon-like creature with an even nastier screech. 

Akuma.

Allen bursts out of the door, his Cursed Eye already targeting the Akuma. “Kanda!” he yells out. “Are you alright?”

“Get your ass over here, Beansprout,” Kanda commands, brandishing Mugen. “This one looks strong.” 

Lenalee and Lavi run out of Gellisa’s house, activating their Innocence immediately. Lenalee tells Gelissa to stay inside and takes off with her Dark Boots. 

“It’s a Level 3,” Allen says, activating his arm. “We need to draw it away from civilians and away from Gellisa.” 

“I’m on it!” Lenalee shouts, and glides over to get its attention with a flurry of kicks. Allen runs off in the direction he wants it to go, by the beach in an area where there are no people. Lavi extends his hammer in an attempt to knock the Akuma towards Allen. 

Kanda frowns, running towards the target location. Fighting with the three of them made everything so tactical — whatever happened to just brute force to get the job done? That’s all Kanda ever needs. But if that’s what’s going to help them defeat this thing, then Kanda will go along with it as long as no one tells him what to do. 

The Akuma lets out an ear-piercing howl and flings Lenalee out of the sky, and she lands on the sand and skids towards the ocean. “I’m fine!” she yells, so no one stops attacking to help her and risk it getting away. Lavi activates his hammer’s fire seal to slam it down just as Kanda sends out his Netherworld Insects and the two of them land beside each other, back to back. 

“Don’t get in my way,” Kanda says, gripping his sword tighter. 

“Wouldn’t dream of it,” Lavi retorts. They break at the same time, jumping off to jointly attack the Akuma. Despite everything, despite their recent turmoil still fresh in their minds, their moves seem to fall in sync with each other, and with every slash of Kanda’s sword, with every pound of Lavi’s hammer, the two of them alone seem to have the Akuma on edge. 

Lenalee is back, crashing down on the Akuma just as Allen follows up with an attack of his own, and the Akuma goes down, roaring so loudly it sends awful vibrations down everyone’s spines. Kanda rushes in for the finishing blow so they can get on with this nonsense, but just as he closes in and readies Mugen, something distracts him. It’s the worst time to be thinking of the music box right now, but suddenly the image of Alma’s smiling face comes to mind. Alma, alive and happy and dressed in an exorcist’s uniform, reaching out to him, calling his name… Kanda falters. The Akuma uses that opportunity to stab him right through the gut with its claw. 

“Yuu!” He hears someone cry out from behind him. It has to be Lavi, because no one else would ever call him that, but he hears it in Alma’s voice, which makes him wonder if anyone even said anything at all. 

“Alma…” He doesn’t mean to say it, but it’s the only thing that leaves his lips, before he falls back with a small whisper of, “Lavi…”

Someone catches him. He hears the sounds of Allen crushing the Akuma with his Crown Clown. Ah, so it must all be over now. 

“Yuu!” It’s definitely Lavi’s voice now, and Kanda realizes Lavi is the one who caught him. His top half rests in Lavi’s arms, and the other half on the sand, and he looks up at him, surveying Lavi’s worried expression from upside-down. “Are you alright?”

“I’ll be fine,” Kanda says, taking a breath and already feeling his regenerative ability kicking in. “Just give it a little bit. I’ll be fine.” 

“The Akuma is defeated,” Allen says with finality. “Kanda, what happened? Why didn’t you finish it?”

“Leave it alone,” Lenalee chimes in. “Kanda is hurt, let him heal. Are you sure you’re going to be alright, Kanda?”

Kanda unbuttons his coat to pull the fabric away and show that his wound is already closing. “Like I said, I’ll be fine. Just give it a few minutes. Go back and check on that girl and the Innocence.”

“If you’re sure,” Lenalee says with a faint smile, “We’ll be back, okay?” She grabs Allen’s arm to drag him off back to Gellisa’s house, and to make sure no one in the city had been hurt in the fight. 

Kanda lets out a shaking sigh, and then looks up at Lavi. “You can go, too.” 

“I’ll stay until your wound heals completely,” he says, still holding Kanda in his arms. 

“You can put me down, then,” Kanda says, closing his eyes and letting his body work on closing the stab wound. It’s a lot deeper than he thought, and with the adrenaline gone, the pain is catching up with him. 

Lavi’s voice still sounds worried, tinged with a slight panic despite the numerous times he’s seen Kanda’s regeneration work its magic. “Do you… mind this?”

Kanda pauses, considering that. He hadn’t expected Lavi to ask him. “No,” he says finally, shifting to settle comfortably in Lavi’s lap. “I suppose not.”

“Then I’ll stay. I don’t want to leave you alone here,” Lavi whispers, and slowly begins to absentmindedly pet Kanda’s hair as he speaks. It’s actually quite soothing, so Kanda bites back his instinct to tell Lavi off for doing that, and lets it happen. 

“Thank you, Lavi.”

 

* * *

 

Kanda busts open Gellisa’s door at almost midnight with absolutely no warning, earning an appropriately terrified, high pitched scream from the woman. “Wh-what are you—?!” She shrieks, but she calms down just the slightest when she realizes she’s met Kanda before. “The... mean exorcist from the Black Order?”

Kanda scowls, brow twitching both at the title he’s earned and from the circumstances that led him here in the first place. “Show me the dream again.”

“The what?” Gellisa blinks, and then looks over at the music box on the table. “The… my music box?”

“The thing that showed me that bullshit about me being happy!” Kanda says impatiently, but then immediately softens once he sees her distressed reaction. “...Please,” he manages, looking around awkwardly. It’s been a day.

She sighs. “After all of that, I’m not sure I really want to, but I guess because you said please.” She gestures to the chair at the table. “Sit down?” He does, but he doesn’t make himself comfortable, ready for his fight or flight to kick in the second the music starts playing. She winds the box up with a few twists of her wrist; it takes a few seconds for the gears to start turning, the music very slowly starting up as the gears settle into place. The melody is soft, nostalgic, and as it begins to play, Kanda closes his eyes, a hand settling on Mugen in a defensive reflex. 

And he begins to dream. 


	5. Chapter 5

“Yuu, let’s eat together!” Alma nearly tackles him in the hallway, earning a low grunt from Kanda, who only shakes his head.

“I’m going to train,” he responds, and Alma whines dramatically. “That’s what you said the last four times I’ve asked you! I’m so lonely eating without you!” That isn’t really true — he’s made great friends with everyone else at the Order and eats with them almost every day, but he likes making Kanda feel playfully guilty about this one thing. “I miss my soba buddy! My sobuddy!”

Kanda rolls his eyes, trying to hide the small smile that is desperately trying to form on his lips. “Next time, I promise.”

“And that’s what you said the last time!” Alma tugs on his sleeve. “So this is my promised lunch, and we’re going nnnoooowwww~!” Kanda lets himself to be dragged over to the cafeteria, pulling against Alma’s grip only because he wants Alma to try a little harder in getting him into the room.

“You don’t even like soba,” Kanda says, stopping right before the door. “And you take forever to order anything.”

“That’s because Jeryy takes forever whipping all the mayonnaise! You’d think by now he’d just make a bunch of it and keep it around for me since I like it so much.” Alma taps his chin. “What do you think I should get today, pork chops? An omelette? Maybe one of those really big salads?”

“Are you going to put mayonnaise all over it?”

“Of course I’m going to put mayonnaise all over it.”

“That’s disgusting.”

“Says the person who eats like _one_ thing!” Alma says defensively, “At least I like variety!”

“I eat more than one thing,” Kanda crosses his arms. “I just happen to really enjoy soba. Now hurry up and order.”

“I think I’ll get some chicken stew. What are you going to get? Don’t say so—”

“Soba.”

“Order something else!”

Kanda huffs, “I don’t want anything else right now.” He walks right up to Jeryy, who already has the cold noodles halfway plated the second he sees Kanda approach. “See?” Kanda turns to face Alma and sticks his tongue out teasingly. “I don’t even have to _order_ anymore.”

Alma puffs his cheeks out, which is really cute, and runs up to Jeryy’s window to order some sort of mayonnaise monstrosity that has Kanda reeling. “Oh, right I almost forgot!” Alma waves Jeryy’s attention back before he can go to make his food. “Can I also order yakiniku donburi? No mayonnaise on that one!”

Kanda raises a brow. “No mayonnaise?”

“It’s not for me. Lavi should be back from that mission any time now and I wanted him to come back to a nice meal!”

Kanda pauses. “...Lavi?”

They take their food to the table, Kanda needing to help Alma carry a few bowls, and sit down to eat together. Kanda is just about to start when Alma stops him. “Hold on, I wanna wait a few more minutes to see if Lavi can join us. He said he’d take the 10 o’clock train back, so that’d put him back here any time now if everything went smoothly!”

“I don’t want to wait.”

“Wow! Says the person who didn’t even want to come to lunch with me in the first place!” Alma reaches across the table to poke at Kanda, who just puts up with it and doesn’t move out of the way. Alma crosses his arms. “Jeez, Yuu, let yourself relax every now and then, and have a nice lunch with your boyfriends.”

His _what_ ? And _plural?_

Kanda is just about to ask when Lavi bursts into the room, visibly exhausted and running on pure adrenaline alone. “I’m back!” he announces when he sees Alma and Kanda at the table, and rushes over to them. “I thought I’d never make it back, that mission took so long!”

Alma opens his arms wide to gather Lavi into a big hug, and Lavi melts in his arms with a dramatic whine. “You’re back! I missed you! We missed you!”

Kanda looks away. “Hmph, speak for yourself.”

“He’s just grumpy because he hasn’t had his soba yet. I made him wait for you,” Alma laughs, and the sound of his laugh makes Kanda want to smile too. Lavi moves over to Kanda and kisses his forehead.

“Let’s eat, then.” Lavi takes a seat besides Alma, who slides over the yakiniku bowl.

Kanda watches the two of them eat together like this was an everyday, normal occurrence. And perhaps in this alternate universe, it was. Alma was alive and a part of the Black Order along with Kanda. The two of them were inseparable, and once they met Lavi, he and Alma were so similar it was only natural that they got along so well. And somewhere down the line… it seems Kanda started dating the both of them. Does this mean Lavi and Alma were also together? Were all three of them together? He watches Lavi and Alma eat and laugh and talk, and Kanda suddenly feels… distant. Like he’s not really there. Like the reminder that this is just a dream is starting to catch up with him. Because it feels so real — Alma being alive and well and happy, and trying to steal a bite of meat from Lavi’s plate; Lavi being with him and stuffing his face with more food than he can fit, and then catching Kanda’s gaze and giving him a big rice-filled smile. Kanda feels his heart drop in his chest, but it pounds against his ribcage as it falls, because he _is_ happy here, and out of every possible scenario the Innocence could have given him, all the infinite possibilities it could have shown him anywhere and with anyone, this is where he would have found happiness: sitting with two people who love him unconditionally — a sentiment he shares for them as well.

In this life, Kanda is happy. He is happy and content and free, feeling loved and _feeling love_ , and if this was really just a dream, he doesn’t want to wake up.

But he does.

He opens his eyes and wakes up to the sight of Gellisa pouring him some tea.

“Oh, you’re finished.” Gellisa pushes a small teacup and saucer over to him. “I made some tea, would you like some?” Kanda looks down at the tea and accepts his quietly.

“Thanks.”

“I know it can be…hard to accept,” she says, her voice a melancholy whisper. “I’ve played this song over a hundred times since I found it. Every time I see him, and every time I tell myself, this is just a dream. This isn’t real. He won’t be here when I open my eyes. And yet…” She looks down at the tea in her own cup, “I can’t bring myself to stop. I wanted to see what our life could have been like. Even if it wasn’t real, it just felt like if I lost myself in the dream enough… that maybe it could be.”

Kanda doesn’t say anything — he doesn’t know what to say, really, so he watches her stare into her cup of tea. Eventually, he does the same with his as the silence stretches on.

“Did you dream of someone no longer with you?” she asks quietly. “I suppose you don’t have to tell me, it’s just, the expression while you were dreaming was so—”

“Yes,” Kanda says, “I did. And someone still with us.”

She smiles at him, but it feels sad despite her attempt at reassuring him. “Please listen to what the dream told you,” she says, “and please don’t end up like me, tied to a silly box because I can’t let go.” She gently places her hand on the music box, looking at it mournfully, running her thumb alongside it. Finally, she sighs. “You can have it.” She slowly slides it over towards Kanda. “That’s what you’re here for, right?”

“That what we were sent here to get,” Kanda says.

“It’s better this way. Perhaps I’ve wallowed in my own sadness enough,” Gellisa says. “It’s time to move on. I know that’s what he would want me to do. Please, take good care of it.”

Kanda takes the music box slowly and tucks it away. As he moves to leave, she steps towards him again. “Mr. Exorcist,” she calls out. “Please don’t forget your dream.”

Kanda tilts his head towards her. “I won’t.”

 

* * *

 

Kanda sits on the sand, the moon bright and full overhead, the ocean waves crashing in the distance. It’s a nice night, but once the sun set it was cool enough for Kanda to want a blanket. He settles for a large beach towel instead, wrapping it around himself and curling into it.

Today… was a long day.

“Hey, Kanda.” Lavi’s voice takes him out of his daze, and Kanda looks over his shoulder to see Lavi standing there, a large churro in one hand and hot chocolate dipping sauce in the other. He took off most of his uniform a while ago, opting for a night stroll through the beach and the nightly food stands in nothing but a loose t-shirt and rolled up pants. “Would you mind if I sit?”

“Go ahead,” Kanda replies, turning back to watching the waves.

Lavi takes a seat beside him and buries his feet in the sand. “It’s so nice here,” he says, taking a bite of the churro. “I haven’t been here since… well…” Lavi trails off. He doesn’t have to finish his sentence for Kanda to know what he’s referring to. They lost good men in that battle. Kanda doesn’t want to think about that now.

“Where are the other two?” Kanda asks instead, and from the corner of his eye he sees Lavi shrug.

“Probably back at the hotel. We split up after dinner, so it’s been a while since I’ve seen them. Do you think you’ll head back soon?”

“No. I’m going to stay here for a bit.”

“Do you… want some churro?” Lavi extends the sweet out towards Kanda, which actually makes Kanda turn his head. He looks at Lavi, looks at the churro, and shakes his head.

“No.”

Lavi gives him a soft smile, and then shoves it back into his mouth. Kanda watches Lavi gorge himself on the pastry with a raised brow.

_Eating all those sweets can’t be healthy for him,_ Kanda thinks, watching Lavi lick at some cinnamon sugar on the corner of his lips. _God, look at this idiot shoving churros into his mouth, it’s almost disgusting and he’s so fucking cute_ — _wait what._

Kanda clears his throat, loudly, to interrupt his sudden thoughts, but Lavi stops what he’s doing too.

“Sorry. Am I bothering you?”

“No,” Kanda mumbles, “I’m just tired.”

“It’s been a long day,” Lavi says, finishing the churro he was eating and pulling out another one from the bag. Kanda didn’t even know there was more. And now he’s wondering why Lavi didn’t offer him a fresh, unbitten churro, instead of trying to hand over the one he already bit into.

Lavi lets a comfortable silence drift between them as he quietly enjoys his sweet treat. Kanda turns his attention back to the ocean and closes his eyes. A part of him wants to go back to the hotel and rest, but he’s comfortable on the beach, and it’s a sight he doesn’t get to see often. Besides… Kanda turns his head just the slightest bit to look back at Lavi once again. Sitting on the Barcelona beach with Lavi was a nice change from their usual nighttime cafeteria sessions. Lavi notices Kanda watching him after a few minutes, blinks, and meets his gaze with a wide, goofy grin, cinnamon sugar all over his lips. It’s somewhat charming, for the slightest of seconds, before Kanda is seeing something else entirely — there, instead of Lavi’s stupid grin, is Alma’s stupid grin, wide and charming, overlaid perfectly on Lavi’s features. Kanda’s eyes widen and he stifles a gasp, breath catching at the back of his throat, because he doesn’t want Lavi to ask, and doesn’t think he could even explain it even if he did. The two of them were too similar for Kanda to be comfortable with. But it explained why Kanda was feeling this way towards Lavi.

Lavi reminded him of Alma, that’s what it was. And now he has to know.

Kanda, finally, breaks the silence. “Did you… did you dream of me in the Innocence’s vision?”

Lavi picks his head up, mid-bite of churros. “What?”

“When the music box played,” Kanda’s voice sounds unsure, trying and failing to mask the uneasy feelings of nervousness and a bit of frustration he has while the words leave his lips. “Did you… see me?”

Lavi swallows the churro, looking at him as if Kanda had just said the most un-Kanda thing ever, which was probably true. Lavi doesn’t respond immediately, most likely because he doesn’t want to. For a split second, Lavi considers the easy way out — to postpone the answer by eating another bite of churro. And that’s probably what he would have done if it wasn’t Kanda asking the question. Kanda can barely look at him when he asks the question, holding his breath while he waits for the answer.

Lavi finally replies after the silence had gone on long enough. “No, I didn’t.”

Kanda slowly closes his eyes. It’s not like he expected Lavi to feel his happiest when Kanda was there, but the confirmation that Kanda dreamt about Lavi, and Lavi didn’t dream about him felt… crushing.

“I see,” Kanda whispers, and shifts where he sits. “Forget I asked.”

“No, I won’t,” Lavi says. “I didn’t see you in my dream because at my happiest I knew we were already together.”

Kanda pauses, his heart feeling an odd, foreign leap.

“You weren’t in my dream, no,” Lavi continues, “but neither was anyone else. I didn’t see Allen, or Lenalee, or even the old geezer. And at my happiest, I already had the knowledge of being together with you. I didn’t need to see you to know you were there.”                        

“What… was your happiest?” Kanda hesitates to ask, but he genuinely wants to know.

“Honestly, I’m not really sure.” Lavi dips the churro into his chocolate sauce and absently swirls it around a bit while he gathers his thoughts. “It was pretty abstract, and I haven’t really had time to try and make sense of it,” he explains. “No one was in it, per se. It was just… me, by myself. I wasn’t anywhere specific or particular. But I felt… free? I didn’t feel like I had any expectations of me. Or maybe I had already solved them and made peace with myself. I don’t know if I was a Bookman. I don’t know if I was an exorcist.” He shrugs, sad and slow. “I don’t know. I haven’t tried to figure it out yet. All I know is that at my happiest I didn’t feel like... this.”

“What is ‘this’?”

“I don’t know. Confused? Like I’m a failure for caring about other people? Like I’m just not supposed to be here?” Lavi takes the churro out of the chocolate and idly watches it drip back into the cup. “Like I’m not sure if what I’ve been doing, what has always just felt right because it was all I knew, is even what I want to be doing in the first place?”

Kanda watches two waves crash into each other, closes his eyes, and tries not to regret what he is about to say. “You have a good heart, Lavi.”

Kanda half expects Lavi to joke about it, to laugh it off and smile like he usually does. But he doesn’t. And Kanda realizes… that maybe he’s not talking to the Lavi everyone knows right now. That maybe this is the real Lavi right here, sitting next to him; the one he wants to know, and the one Lavi wants Kanda to know. Lavi takes the bite of chocolate-drenched churro and uses this as an opportunity to think about his next words, chewing slowly. “If I asked what you dreamt about,” Lavi begins hesitantly, “would you tell me?”

“I dreamt about…” Kanda trails off, and genuinely wonders if he should tell Lavi. He doesn’t really want to, and there’s not a chance in this world he’ll tell him about Alma, but he doesn’t know what kind of problems might arise if Lavi knew he was in Kanda’s dream, let alone _in a relationship with him_ in his dream. He opens his mouth again to speak, but closes it quickly, still unsure.

But Lavi, smart as can be, has been a Bookman apprentice all his life, and he looks at Kanda struggle and says, “It’s okay. You don’t have to say anything. I think I might have an idea.” He says, with a playful wink. He expects Kanda to chastise him or something, but Kanda simply tugs his towel further up around his shoulders.

“It’s a nice night out,” Kanda whispers softly in an attempt to change the subject. “The moon is bright.”

“Yeah,” Lavi responds, shifting closer to him, and after a heavy, hesitant pause: “You look beautiful in the starlight.”

Kanda’s head whips around to see that Lavi is looking at him again, and Lavi awkwardly averts his gaze in response before meeting it once again. “I thought you said you were moving on.”

“I wanted to,” Lavi says quietly. “It was just... really hard to watch you get hurt today. And I guess I just realized I just... don’t want to let you go just yet.”

Kanda doesn’t flinch when Lavi moves just a little bit closer, but he does look away, keeping his eyes on the sand and the way it shifts along with Lavi. “Is that really wise?”

“Maybe not. But let me have this, even just for a moment.” Lavi finally puts down his dessert and starts playing with the sand. “If it really is temporary.”

Kanda blinks at him, long and slow, and then places his hand carefully over Lavi’s. The faintest blush colors Lavi’s cheeks in the moonlight, and he looks down at their hands as if bashful.

“Red.” Kanda’s voice brings Lavi’s attention back to him.

“Huh?”

“My favorite color is red.” Kanda’s eyes seem to reflect the starlight, and if Lavi looks hard enough he thinks he could see the constellations reflected in them as well. Kanda doesn’t give him the chance, however, because he’s closing the distance between them for a gentle kiss. It’s soft and chaste, and he doesn’t make any moves to do anything else except kiss Lavi as softly as he can. Lavi tastes like cinnamon and sugar, chocolate and smoke combined with a flavor that was just so uniquely Lavi, Kanda doesn’t know if he could describe it even if he wanted to. When he pulls away, he looks at Lavi and doesn’t say a word, and honestly hopes he wouldn’t have to.

Lavi holds his gaze for a long moment, saying nothing, like he’d ruin the moment if he did. He’s the one who leans in next, catching Kanda’s lips in another kiss, still soft and gentle, as if both of them feared the other would be scared away if they did anything more than that. And when Kanda pulls away, Lavi pulls him closer, tugs him over so their shoulders touch, and Lavi brushes the tip of his nose against Kanda’s.

“Yuu,” Lavi whispers, reaching up to cup Kanda’s cheek, and Kanda doesn’t flinch at the name this time. “I’m going to ask one more time.” Kanda knew this was coming, but there’s no feeling of dread this time, no uneasiness as he braces himself for the question. “Do you have feelings for me?”

Kanda takes a slow breath in, lips so close to Lavi’s he can feel his breath against his skin. He thinks about the way his dream made him feel, the carefree ease that came with knowing he loved and was loved by Lavi, and the way he felt he could lower the walls he’d built up for so long…

Finally, Kanda nods. “Yeah,” he whispers back, “I do.” And then, after a pause, “I have.”

Lavi brings him in again, kissing him deeper this time, his movements slow and steady. Kanda closes his eyes and breathes him in, feeling like his confession finally released a burden from his shoulders, feeling liberated for the first time in years.

Kanda shrugs the towel off his shoulders and moves to press himself against Lavi even more, still not breaking the kiss, and Lavi’s hands find Kanda’s waist to encourage him even closer as he rolls back to sit up. Kanda follows the motion without thought, moving to straddle Lavi, sitting on his lap and holding his face to keep him from pulling away. Lavi’s hands massage Kanda’s waist for a bit before trailing light touches up his side and his back, and as he kisses Kanda, a wave of relief washes over him in a way he’d never felt before. He feels lighter than he’s ever felt in years, and holds onto Kanda as if that feeling would go away if he let him go.

Tonight, as he kisses Kanda under the stars, the sound of the ocean rising and falling behind them, Lavi feels freer than he’d ever been.

 

* * *

 

“Come on! We have to leave now or we’re going to miss the train back!” Lenalee shouts up from the lobby of the hotel where she and Allen have been waiting for Kanda and Lavi to join them. It was _well_ past their arranged meeting time and Lenalee was starting to get really impatient.

Finally, Kanda and Lavi walk out; Kanda, cranky and unfriendly as ever, and Lavi, smiling and walking with with a pleasantly pronounced bounce in his step.

“Ooh, finally,” Allen waggles his eyebrows. “The two of you emerge together. What were you guys up to last night?” he teases, and there’s no real implication behind his words. He’s genuinely just teasing. But what he _doesn’t_ expect is the smallest, faintest little blush to color Kanda’s features, and it stuns him into silence.

“Idiot beansprout,” Kanda growls as he walks by. “We’re going to be late.”

“That’s rich coming from you! We were waiting for your slow ass to meet up with us!” Allen angrily huffs after him. “Hey, get back here!”

Lenalee walks up to Lavi with a smile. “Sooooooo... I see you two finally talked it out?”

Lavi returns the smile, and scratches the back of his head with a light chuckle. “Ah, yeah. I think things are going to be okay.”

“I’m glad to hear that!” she exclaims, clapping her hands together happily, but then her voice lowers into something sharp and coy. “I hope that whatever happened between you two last night was worth almost missing our train today.” She picks up her luggage and starts to book it out the door. “Hurry up, okay!”

“A-ah, right.” Lavi follows her. “Wait a minute, what are you implying! We didn’t do anything last night! Honest!” he calls out after her hopelessly. “Lenalee, wait up!”

 


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please note the additional tags! This is where things start to get SPICY. This chapter is going up on June 6, so happy birthday Kanda! This one is for you. Wink.

Life back at the Order goes on as usual. Well, almost as usual — Lavi and Allen challenging each other to an eating contest isn't a daily occurrence, but it certainly isn't unheard of either.

Lavi is in the cafeteria shoving food into his face like he hasn’t eaten in days, rivaled only by Allen, of course, who eats like he hasn’t in months. Lenalee sits beside Allen with a small plate of cake and tea, watching her two friends devour food like they’d never seen food before and never would again. The piles of plates that grow and grow on the table completely tower over Krory, who is also sitting with them at the table, except no one’s actually noticed he’s there because he’s blocked from view by mountains of plates.

“I don’t like this,” Krory states the obvious, not liking this at all.

“Phew! I tap out!” Lavi sits back with a full stomach after plate twenty-seven as Allen looks up and triumphantly raises his empty plate.

“I win!” Allen exclaims, and begins to pick at Lavi’s leftovers as the rest of the table looks on in awe at just how much food Allen can pack away. Everyone stops watching Allen and looks up, however, when Kanda enters the room. Several onlookers stop what they’re doing to go back to eating quietly at their tables, afraid of what kind of dismissive judgemental comment Kanda will pass along to Allen and not wanting to be a part of it. Others just think Kanda is pretty, and stare at him while he walks up to order some soba for lunch. Lavi is one of these people. But regardless of how they see Kanda, everyone knows he eats alone, so when Kanda bypasses all the empty tables and instead walks right up to Plate Mountain(™) and _sits right beside Lavi_ , even the eating contest onlookers have to stop what they were doing to gawk at him.

Lavi happily makes room for Kanda, shoving plates away and ignoring a surprised shriek from poor Krory as plates topple onto him instead. “Hi, Yuu! Joining us today?”

“Tch. Engaging in nothing productive, I see.” Kanda sets down his soba and a cup of tea, ignoring Allen’s surprised, rice-covered expression.

“And I see Jerkanda is getting soft,” Allen gives him a smug look, despite Lenalee trying to tell him not to via a few intense glares.

Kanda shoots Allen a nasty scowl, but decides it’s not worth it and begins to eat his soba instead as the entire table and its returning onlookers watch as Kanda was 1) sitting beside Lavi with the rest of the exorcists, and 2) letting a snide Allen comment slide. Everyone lets Kanda eat, because no one can actually come up with anything to say, and it’s also possible no one even _wanted_ to say anything, lest they disturb this miraculous development. Lavi smiles at him fondly though, and against everyone else’s wishes, starts to chat.

“You should have seen the eating contest, Yuu!” Lavi chirps happily, and everyone turns to look at Lavi (except for Kanda, who is still eating his soba and minding his own business as everyone stares). “I beat my own record today, made it up to twenty-seven plates!”

“And you’ll work it all off in training, I hope,” Kanda says, taking another bite of soba. “Unless you want to end up like Beansprout over here who gorges himself with empty calories and hasn’t worked a day in his life.”

Allen perks up angrily. “W-why you—! Jerkanda—!” And has to be held back from pouncing on Kanda the first chance he gets.

Lavi ignores all of Allen’s outburst and only chuckles, taking Kanda’s comment as concern for his physique instead. He puts his arm around Kanda’s shoulders and, surprisingly enough, Kanda doesn’t kill him. “You’re so sweet, looking out for me like that, Yuu!”

“I’m not looking out for you.”

“Jerkanda’s _really_ getting soft,” Allen huffs from where he was taken over to the corner. “Come on! Fight me, you coward!” Kanda, ignoring Allen once again (much to the shock of everyone else at the table sans Lavi), only takes a long sip of tea and leans in just the slightest, tiniest, microscopic bit towards Lavi, which Lavi feels and has him blushing in response.

Sitting with Lavi is nice. This… isn’t so bad, Kanda thinks as he finishes his tea. He nonchalantly snakes a hand under the table to rest it on Lavi’s thigh, sitting close enough to him that it’s not obvious to everyone where his hand is exactly. His rubs his thumb where it rests on Lavi’s thigh, and feels the way it makes Lavi shiver just the slightest.

Lavi turns to smile at him, all grace and charm. “See, not so bad hanging out with us, right?”

“I could do without the impish screaming,” Kanda replies. “I don’t know how you put up with it.”

“Aw, come on, Allen’s not that bad.”

Allen, of course, has been taken aside by Lenalee and is still trying to burst free and clobber Kanda the first chance he gets. “I heard that!” he yells. “Don’t ignore me!”

“Ignore him,” Kanda says, to which Lavi laughs. Life really did go on as usual; Kanda and Allen are still constantly at each other’s throats, Lavi is enjoying lunch with everyone he cares about at the Order, _plus_ Kanda is sitting next to him. Lavi feels warm, like this is where he’s wanted to be for so long. Kanda’s hand on Lavi’s thigh creeps a little further up, radiating heat along its path. Before Kanda can even think to stop it, Lavi plants a very big, very obvious kiss on his forehead, and that’s when the audience gasps. Even Allen stops his struggling to gasp and stare. Kanda’s eyes widen and he slams his cup on the table, standing up to tower over Lavi.

Oh, Lavi was a dead man.

“Do you think that’s funny, rabbit?”

“Y-Yuu, I—”

“Meet me in the training room then,” Kanda says threateningly, “I’ll make sure you work off all twenty-seven of those plates.” He turns and stomps out of the room, leaving Lavi with his dirty dishes.

“Haha,” Lavi laughs nervously, “I’m in danger.”

 

* * *

 

Luckily, Kanda and Lavi spent the entire time in the training room making out in a corner, so Lavi was, in fact, in no danger at all.

 

* * *

 

The day after that (because Kanda didn’t want to see _anyone_ the next day out of embarrassment for the cafeteria scene), Lavi greets Kanda with a bouquet of flowers.

“Aren’t they nice?” Lavi smiles at him and shoves the colorful display in his direction.

Kanda stares at the flowers, and doesn’t take them. “I don’t… want these.”

Lavi pauses, but his smile doesn’t waver. “Too bad.” He shoves them at him even more insistently. “I got them for you, so take them.”

“What am I supposed to do with this?” Kanda takes the flowers anyway, albeit reluctantly, and has no idea what to do with them now that they’re in his hands.

“You’ve never been given flowers before?”

“Tch. Of course not. Is this your way of trying to get me back in bed with you?” Lavi straightens at Kanda’s reply, frowning.

“What? No, not at all. I’m not even thinking about that.”

Kanda looks up, giving him a raised brow. “You’re not?”

“W-Why, are you?”

“Hm,” Kanda slowly leans in to sniff the flowers. They smell nice, that’s good. “I mean, it could work. I would.”

Lavi has to take a moment to process that for a minute, before the realization has him jolting. “Eh?!” He manages, before stumbling over his own words. “Y-You what? Th-that’s not what I--”

“Not what?” Kanda says, completely deadpan. “Is this not what you wanted? You said you wanted that moment to be special and mutual, and now it is, isn’t it?”

Lavi’s face flushes a pretty pink. “I-I mean…” He reaches out to touch Kanda’s hand, but Kanda only shoves the bouquet of flowers in Lavi’s face instead, earning an unamused yelp in response.

“Tsk,” is all Kanda has to say, looking away.

Lavi brushes the flowers away in mild annoyance. “You know, I don’t understand you,” he begins. “First you say you like me, then you don’t want me to touch you. Then you come on to me, but I still can’t touch you. What am I supposed to do, just sit there waiting for whenever you decide you want to accept affection?” Lavi’s voice rises in frustration, but he pauses when Kanda’s expression looks like he’s actually considering that. “Yuu!” But when he looks at him closer, he sees Kanda fidgeting slightly, clearly not used to being or functioning in any kind of close relationship, and not knowing what comes next makes him feel nervous. Lavi leaves it alone and lets him think.

“You don’t get it?” Kanda finally says. “I like you, Lavi.” His voice sounds slightly anxious, but still classically impatient, even when his words are exactly what Lavi wants to hear. “I don’t like _anyone_. But I like _you_.”

“Yuu…” Lavi wants to say more, but that’s all that manages to leaves his lips.

“You make me feel… things. Things I can’t explain. I’ve never felt these things before and I’m not used to it.” He grips the bouquet tightly. “But I don’t mind that with you.”

Lavi is trying to find his words, but his thoughts haven’t finished processing them and he isn’t quite sure what to say just yet. Kanda looks like he’s about to continue, so Lavi closes his mouth and lets him finish. If he interrupted Kanda now, he may not ever hear this again.

“I’m not asking you to sleep with me to pass the time or whatever you think I’m thinking. I’m not looking for another drunk decision. I’m asking you because I _want_ it to be _you_.”

“I just,” Lavi opens his mouth to speak, finally. “I just thought—”

“Honestly, I can’t believe _I_ have to explain something to a _Bookman_.” Kanda sits back on his heels, arms crossed. “Aren’t you supposed to be smarter than this?”

At that, Lavi only laughs. “Okay,” he says, “okay, I get it.”

“And?”

“And…? Oh!” He blinks, and then smiles warmly. “I like you too, Yuu.”

Kanda scoffs. “I like you too, _Kanda_ ,” he corrects, and turns to walk away, still holding the flowers, leaving Lavi to follow him like a lovesick puppy.

 

* * *

 

One Finder sworn to secrecy later, Kanda places the flower bouquet in a nice new vase on his nightstand, right in front of his lotus hourglass.

He likes the way they make his room smell nice.

 

* * *

 

Lavi is about to let out the biggest yawn ever when he spots Kanda on his way out from breakfast. “Oh! Yuu!” He hops over to him as Kanda turns his attention over to him, and clasps his hands in a friendly grip. “Finished eating already?”

“Yes,” Kanda says, and leaves it at that.

“What are you doing today? Are you being sent out today?” Lavi swings their hands together, and Kanda lets him.

“I don’t think so.” Kanda watches their hands swing. It’s kind of cute. “Why?”

“Let’s go out tonight. Just me and you.” Lavi smiles at him, sweet and charming, “We can get a nice dinner together and then go do something fun.”

“Fun?” Kanda’s first ‘fun’ thoughts don’t immediately include getting dinner with Lavi, but he doesn’t say anything. Dinner could be ‘fun’, who knows.

“Meet me outside the gates around 5? It’ll be fun. It’ll be a date.”

Kanda averts his gaze at the word ‘date,’ but then he shrugs. “Fine. Sure. I’ll see you then.”

“Yay!” Lavi gives him a quick peck on the cheek, which Kanda tries and fails to swat away before Lavi is bouncing out of the room, leaving Kanda staring off after him (and, if he’s being honest, at his ass).

Kanda is right on time at 5 o’clock on the dot. Lavi is not. Kanda rolls his eyes at how Lavi is late to his own god damn idea and shoves his hands in his pockets. He’s not really used to wearing normal clothes outside of his uniform and training clothes, so being out in a nice shirt, a light jacket, and casual pants makes him feel like he’s a bit out of his element. Still, he’s glad these clothes aren’t just sitting in his closet collecting dust, at least.

“I’m here!” Lavi’s voice echoes out from behind him, and Kanda huffs and turns around to give him an impatient look. “Sorry! The old Panda wouldn’t let me go before I finished h— oh, wow. S-strike♡?!” He says it without even thinking, and then shakes his head to clear his thoughts a bit. “I mean— Yuu, I don’t think I’ve ever really seen you not wearing your uniform before.” Lavi blinks, mouth opening and closing as his gaze surveys him from top to bottom. “You look really good.” To which Kanda only scoffs.

“You’re late.”

“I know! I’m sorry!” Lavi claps his hands together in an attempt at forgiveness. “It’s not my fault, promise!”

Kanda only hums, and turns away. “Well? Where are we going?” He extends his hand for Lavi to take, and Lavi skips over to grab his hand and interlaces their fingers together with a bright smile.

“I want to take you to this new Japanese restaurant that just opened a few blocks from here. Since I know you like soba so much, I thought maybe you can try it somewhere else. They also have a bunch of other dishes I really wanna try… what do you think?”

“That’s fine,” Kanda says. It’s strange and surprising, but he’s actually enjoying holding hands with Lavi. This is a new development.

Lavi takes him to a small restaurant neither of them have ever been before, and they sit down in a corner table right by the window. It’s a cute date night spot; a few other couples are seated at the other tables, and Lavi takes one good look at what two other tables are eating and tells the cute waitress that he wants all of it.

“It all smells so good!” Lavi defends himself, “And it’s fine, I’m paying, so get whatever you want!”

Kanda, meanwhile, orders the best soba he’s ever eaten in his entire life (sorry Jeryy!), with a side of lotus root and tempura. Kanda takes one bite of his meal and pauses, his eyes sparkling and expression glowing almost immediately. He barely talks to Lavi throughout the entire meal, shoving soba into his mouth and never wanting the dish to end. That’s fine, because Lavi knows they have the whole night ahead of them, and Lavi is happy to shove all of his food into his mouth too. (Kanda is too busy eating to notice Lavi watching him fondly, because Kanda enjoying food and happily eating is a really, really adorable sight.)

Kanda practically has to roll Lavi out of the restaurant after they finish dessert, which was an impressive display of milk toast and ice cream. Kanda only had a few bites and left the rest for Lavi, because he knows Lavi is the sweets fiend. “Hurry up,” Kanda says, “what are we doing next?” Honestly, Lavi half expected Kanda to want to go back to headquarters by now, so this is encouraging.

“Do you think we can swing by the library?” Lavi asks, resting his weight on Kanda, who is reluctantly holding him up.

“The library?”

“They’re playing a film tonight! Like an actual film! Isn’t that cool?” Lavi smiles up at him from where he’s slouched against Kanda, full and happy.

“Tch, you really are a Bookman,” Kanda says, a bit dismissively, because that doesn’t sound like something he’d like, but oddly enough he’s willing to go along with it because he knows Lavi would like it. “Fine. Lead the way.”

And Lavi drags him over to the library, where they get a comfortable middle row seat in the small theater room to watch a silent film on what Kanda thinks is about whales, but later learns is about the history of wildlife. _Then why did they show so many goddamn whales?_

Lavi is thrilled, filing all of this information away for his Bookman records, and “How cool is this, Yuu? It’s like being a part of history watching this kind of technology develop!” but Kanda falls asleep halfway through. He jolts awake when Lavi’s hand slides to rest on his inner thigh, warm and slightly ticklish.

“Lavi…” Kanda whispers, “This is boring as shit.”

Lavi turns to look at him, and then lets out a muffled laugh that sounds a lot like _snrk_ —, “Aw, that’s okay, thank you for sitting through it for me anyway.” He kisses Kanda’s cheek and squeezes at his thigh.

“I’ll take you somewhere better.” Kanda gets up and drags him away from the theater. Where Lavi _thinks_ Kanda is going to take him is somewhere romantic, somewhere Kanda can really show his true hidden colors and sweep Lavi off his feet, and Lavi’s overactive imagination here has him feeling warm and giddy.

Instead, Kanda takes him to a teahouse, which is now boring as shit for Lavi.

Kanda seems calm and in his element, though, so Lavi lets him enjoy some tea in a quiet environment after he sat through whales and wildlife. Lavi sips at whatever leaf water Kanda ordered for him. He doesn’t really like it, but he drinks it anyway for Kanda.

“You know,” Lavi leans on the table, bored but fine with it if that means he can have a good excuse and opportunity to stare at Kanda fondly. “Maybe we need to find a middle ground.”

“What do you suggest, then?”

“Let’s go find a bar with tequila,” Lavi proposes. “I like bars and you like tequila. That can work, right?”

Kanda sets down his cup and agrees.

They walk hand in hand down the street. Lavi chats happily at him and Kanda just listens, content to leech some of Lavi’s body heat as the temperature dropped with the setting sun. They find a lively bar with a wide variety of liquor and some live music — it’s a bit of a walk from headquarters, so they both agree not to drink too much since neither wanted to drag the other’s sorry ass all the way back.

“If you get drunk, I’m leaving you here,” Kanda threatens, taking a seat at the bar. Lavi sits beside him, scooting his chair over to be a little closer to Kanda’s.

“That goes for you too,” Lavi says with a smirk. “So, see anything that catches your eye?”

Kanda browses the tequila selection to see if there was anything he wanted to drink. “I’ve never had that brand before,” he says, pointing one out. “I’ve heard of it, but I could never find it in stores.”

Lavi lets him order his drink, another reposado, and Lavi orders a sweet mead for himself. Lavi takes a sip of his drink and sits back. “I think this is pretty similar to what I had a long time ago. Do you want to try it?” He slides his glass over to Kanda, who he expects to decline, but Kanda instead takes the glass for a sip.

“It’s not bad,” Kanda says, sliding it back over to him. “I like mine better though.”

“How is it compared to the brand you like?” Lavi watches Kanda swirl the tequila in his glass.

“Not bad.”

“Also not bad?”

“Also not bad.”

“Let’s find something good, then.” Lavi turns back to look at the liquor selections again. “What about a mezcal?”

Kanda raises a brow. “You know about mezcal?”

“Why wouldn’t I know about mezcal?”

“Because you drink like some shitty teenager.”

“Okay, then let me impress you with my knowledge.” Lavi takes another swig of his drink and clears his throat. “Mezcal is also a spirit made from the agave plant, but it can be made with any type of agave plant, whereas tequila can only be made from the blue agave in Jalisco in Mexico. So that means a tequila can be classified as a mezcal, but a mezcal can’t be classified as a tequila!”

Kanda leans against the bar and swirls his drink, interested in what Lavi has to say. “Okay, what else?”

“So with mezcal, usually the agave plant is smoked, instead of steamed like for tequila. So that’s why a lot of them have a smokier taste. And both mezcal and tequila can be aged. You have a silver, or blanco, which isn’t aged at all. A reposado is aged for a few months to a year, and an añejo is aged for up to three years. And since they’re aged in barrels, the longer you age the more oak-y it tastes.” Lavi shoots Kanda a goofy grin, like a puppy wanting praise. “And you like reposado because it’s a lot smoother than a silver, but maybe not an añejo because it could taste too close to scotch or whiskey, and you don’t like drinking those?”

“I don’t mind añejos,” Kanda says softly. “If they’re aged well. Otherwise they don’t develop a good flavor.”

“What determines that?”

“The right oak barrels,” Kanda pauses, then continues, “Time. Patience. You can’t rush it or it won’t be right. The flavors won’t mature and complement each other.”

“And the same goes for mezcal too, right?”

“Yes,” is all Kanda says, actually impressed.

“I’ve never had an añejo before.” Lavi idly taps his glass with his finger. “I’d like to try it sometime.”

“I don’t see any here.” Kanda scans the tequila selection at the bar once more. “They’re hard to find this far out from Mexico. But it’s worth it if you can,” a pause, “that is, if you don’t shoot it. You should sip an añejo.”

“Ha,” Lavi laughs dryly, and then continues, “So, should I continue or have I impressed you enough?”

“You have,” Kanda admits, resting his head on his hand. “Did you do your homework after that one night?”

“I did,” Lavi grins sheepishly. “I admit, I wanted to read up on it and show off my knowledge.”

“That’s cute,” Kanda says, lips already on the edge of his glass, ready to take an immediate sip so he isn’t expected to say anything more.

“I’m glad it worked, then.”

“You know, you worried so much about becoming a Bookman, but I think you’re worrying for no reason,” Kanda says, turning to look at Lavi, who awkwardly looks up mid-mead-gulp. “If that’s what you really want to do, I think you’ll make a great Bookman.” Lavi puts his glass down slowly, taking in Kanda’s words. “And if it’s not what you want to do, that’s fine too. You’ll live your life knowing you’re a walking encyclopedia either way.”

“I guess I just don’t know what I want to do. What I’m meant to do,” Lavi says, sliding his finger over the condensation on his glass. “I mean, I know I’ve said this before. I just don’t know if wanting to be the next Bookman is what I really want to do. Like what part of me is _me_ , and what part of me is what’s just expected of me? What I’ve just been groomed to do?”

“Like I said, you need to figure that out for yourself.”

“But I don’t have the luxury of walking my own path.”

Kanda turns to give him a complicated stare — it’s not out of annoyance for him, but annoyance that Lavi hasn’t realized this by now. “What are you doing _right now_?”

“Huh?”

“You’re not supposed to care about others. You’re not supposed to get attached to people. You think you’re a _failure_ for  _caring_ about your friends. So what are you doing with _me_?”

“I— I just,” Lavi stumbles over his words, unsure of what to say but hit hard by the realization of what Kanda’s trying to get at. “I just… like you?”

“Did Bookman tell you to like me? Do you only have feelings for me because you think that’s fun and everyone will like you for it?”

“N-No, I—”

“So what you’re saying is that _you_ like me? That the real Lavi is the one who has feelings for me?”

“Yuu…” Lavi reaches out and touches Kanda’s hand. “I know. You’re right. I’m trying every day to figure out who I am, the kind of person that I really am and want to be, not the person I think everyone wants to see.” His fingers curl around Kanda’s, who slowly holds on to his hand as well. “And I know that I can because the real me is the one who has feelings for you.”

“Whatever.” Kanda finishes his drink and looks away. “Even if that doesn’t solve your weird attachment problem, you can still become a Bookman and love me.”

“Love?” Lavi raises his brows.

“L-like.” Kanda corrects himself quickly and refuses to make eye contact. “I said like.”

Lavi chuckles, low and amused, which brings a blush to Kanda’s cheeks. “Thank you, really. I’m really glad I’m with you, Yuu.”

They head back after that one drink. Kanda links arms with Lavi until they get near headquarters, after which he lets go of Lavi entirely. Lavi invites him to his room, so he can make sure Kanda drinks some water despite only having one drink. Neither of them are feeling even the slightest bit tipsy, but hydration is always good, and Lavi isn’t taking any chances after the last time they drank, not after that last awful hangover. He is _not_ reliving that again. He pours them both some waters and sits down, stepping over the ridiculous piles of papers and books strewn around with a careless abandon around them.

“Sorry about the mess.”

“It’s fine,” Kanda says, sitting down on the couch. It’s just big enough to fit the two of them, and Kanda has to move a pile of papers just to sit down. Lavi flops himself down besides him and leans against Kanda’s shoulder.

“Thanks for coming out with me tonight,” Lavi says, and Kanda turns to look at him. Lavi thinks Kanda is going to say something, but when he instead moves in and gives Lavi a small kiss on his forehead, it earns him a surprised, goofy little noise from the back of Lavi’s throat.

“I didn’t expect to go to so many places on our first date.” Kanda pulls away and takes a sip of water. “But it was nice.”

“I’m happy to hear that,” Lavi says, and leans in slowly for a kiss, pausing partway to make sure Kanda won’t pull away, and when he doesn’t, Lavi presses his lips against Kanda’s, soft and gentle. “Also glad that you admit it was a date.”

“Idiot, what else would it have been?” Kanda asks rhetorically, hiking his legs up so they rest over Lavi’s lap, cutting off any response he might have had. He pulls Lavi back over to him by the collar and back into a kiss, which is a lot deeper this time. Kanda, admittedly, has learned a lot about kissing in the last few weeks, and it’s honestly kind of fun. Lavi’s hands roam tentatively across Kanda’s body, gently grazing his palm across his stomach, not daring to go any lower unless Kanda gives him approval. Kanda, in turn, runs his hands down Lavi’s chest, down his torso, until his fingers find the hem of Lavi’s shirt.

Kanda’s tongue flicks across Lavi’s lips, and Lavi meets it with his own, taking Kanda’s tongue into his mouth and allowing Kanda to slide his fingers up Lavi’s shirt. He can feel Lavi’s heart pound in his chest, and understandably so, because this moment was approaching the farthest they've gotten with each other. Kanda takes it in stride, though, mostly because he’s been out of his depth in every situation thus far anyway, so going further than before doesn’t really make him nervous until he abruptly realizes he has no idea what to do.

Kanda gasps when Lavi’s touch wanders south, once Kanda had given him a(n impatient) nodding approval, of course, and grazes feather-light over his crotch ever so gently, and Kanda pulls Lavi closer to him, nearly yanking him over on top of him. “Is this okay?” Lavi asks when he touches Kanda a little more, and Kanda whispers a small “yes” in between kisses, so Lavi’s hand starts to explore a little more. He starts to caress the inside of Kanda’s thigh, his hips, his waist, all while Kanda struggles against the urge to just shove Lavi over and beg him to take him. Whew, that’s a sudden thought Kanda doesn’t know how to process just yet.

Lavi’s mouth moves to kiss at Kanda’s neck as his hands rub against his sides. Lavi’s hot breath against his throat has Kanda groaning, just a bit, and he bites his bottom lip and shudders into Lavi’s touch. It’s a little embarrassing, hardening under Lavi’s touch like that, but Lavi encourages it, moving his hand to palm Kanda through the fabric of his pants just as he bites into Kanda’s neck, hard enough to send a shiver down Kanda’s spine but not enough to hurt. Lavi’s lips find Kanda’s ear, nipping at his earlobe and applying just a bit of pressure where his hand is, and Kanda inhales sharply.

“Unbutton your pants,” Lavi’s voice is muffled against Kanda’s neck, and Kanda reaches down to undo his belt and his pants without a second thought. Lavi’s tongue licks a slow sensual stripe up Kanda’s neck as his hand slides into Kanda’s pants and begins stroking him with gentle but firm touches. Kanda turns his head and reaches out to grab Lavi’s face in response and pulls him into a kiss that quickly begins to fall apart as Lavi strokes him. The first quiet little moan escapes Kanda’s lips, his heart pounding in his chest.

Lavi pulls away looking eager, and Kanda opens his eyes in response to meet his gaze. “Hey,” Lavi whispers, licking his lips, and Kanda’s eyes follow the movement, transfixed by the sight. “Can I try something? Stop me at any time if you don’t like it.” Kanda watches him shift and move until he slides off the couch entirely and positions himself on his knees in between Kanda’s legs. He tugs down Kanda’s pants just enough to free his dick and continues to stroke it, looking up at Kanda to make sure this was alright with him. Lavi leans in and peppers him with kisses before running his tongue along the slit. Kanda shivers in anticipation, fully hardening in Lavi’s hand, and bites his lower lip. His heart is beating so fast, he’s sure Lavi can probably feel his pulse where he holds him in his hand. Lavi licks him slowly, and then takes him into his mouth, earning a choked moan from Kanda.

“L-Lavi,” Kanda manages, and he’s torn between closing his eyes and enjoying this, and watching Lavi’s mouth on him. Lavi’s mouth is so hot and wet, and he laps at Kanda in a way that shoots little jolts up Kanda’s spine. It feels so _good,_ and Kanda brings his hand down to run through Lavi’s hair and hold him there. Lavi switches to a combination of his mouth and his hand, and the hand in his hair is gripping him _hard_. Lavi doesn’t seem to mind, though, and with his free hand he snakes down to his own pants to touch himself, the sight of Kanda’s pleasure really starting to turn him on.

Lavi sucks him eagerly, and the more he does, the messier he gets. Every time his lips leave Kanda’s cock, it leaves behind a thick strand of saliva that bends and breaks off Lavi’s lip. The slick sound of Lavi’s mouth on him is driving Kanda crazy and it seems to be feeling wetter and wetter. Kanda may be inexperienced, but even he knows there’s no way Lavi _hasn’t_ done this before, and Kanda has to try not to think about where Lavi must have learned how to do this.

He pops off Kanda’s cock to pump him a few times, and when Kanda peeks down he sees that Lavi’s mouth is an impressive display of saliva and precome, sloppy and messy and — _ugh_ that only served to turn Kanda on so much more. Kanda starts to involuntarily buck his hips towards Lavi every now and then with every spike of pleasure, every stray lick, every swirl of tongue. Lavi meets his gaze with his dick all the way down his throat, and suddenly Kanda is seeing stars. He’s sliding down the couch now, legs trembling and trying to stifle his moans, and Lavi pulls off him with a smirk, mouth open and pumping Kanda while the head of his dick rests on Lavi’s tongue, teasing and _so fucking hot, god damn it._ In a way he’s lucky that the way Lavi takes him all the way to the back of his throat and swallows around him makes his eyes roll to the back of his head, because that way he doesn’t have to look at how lewd Lavi looks right now, and one more look will certainly take him over the edge.

Ah fuck, never mind, he’s gonna come already. This was embarrassing. Kanda grips Lavi’s hair with a shaking hand and can’t hold back — it catches Lavi by surprise, but he adjusts nicely, swallowing Kanda at the back of his throat. Kanda feels Lavi swallowing around him and it sends electric shocks up his spine, feeling overstimulated and shaky. Lavi pulls away, still palming himself through his clothes, and looks up at Kanda, who is panting and catching his breath and looking a little self-conscious.

“Yuu,” Lavi breathes, and Kanda looks down at him, releasing the vice grip he had on his hair. Lavi’s breath catches from touching himself, and Kanda has half a mind to switch places with him and try out sucking Lavi off for himself.

In fact, that’s exactly what he’s about to do, gearing himself up to propose the idea once he’s caught his breath, when suddenly the lights flicker on. Kanda and Lavi both jump — Lavi with a scream, and Kanda frantically shoving himself back into his pants and hiding behind a stack of papers.

“Wh-what?!” Lavi stammers, instantly going soft when he looks up and sees Bookman standing at the door looking unimpressed.

“So that’s where you’ve been all this time.” Bookman says, “I’ve been looking for you, and here you were all this time in your own room.”

“Y-you could knock first, Old Panda!” Lavi sputters, all blood draining from his face, and from his dick (hard no longer, rest in peace).

“This is my room too, idiot apprentice,” Bookman replies, and glances over at Kanda, who is mortified. Bookman doesn’t say anything else, just looks back at Lavi, whose face is a bright red shade almost matching his hair.

Kanda gets up and shuffles past them with a quick, “Excuse me,” and bolts out the door, and when Kanda Yuu had _manners_ , you knew something was wrong. Lavi wants to follow him, but Bookman clears his throat loudly.

“Do I need to say it?” he says, disapprovingly. “Do you need the reminder?”

Lavi watches Kanda leave and looks away.

“No.”

 

* * *

 

It’s about 3am and Lavi is jerking off furiously in the shower.

He’s leaned over against the shower wall resting on his forearm, his free hand going to town on himself to the memory of how nice Kanda looked falling apart by just Lavi’s mouth on him alone. Every twitch, every shudder, every sigh as Lavi made Kanda feel good, the hand in Lavi’s hair, the choked moans at the back of his throat, the way Kanda urged him on without even meaning to — Lavi has to stop himself from making any loud sounds, because these showers were communal and he has no idea who else is in here.

His breathing picks up as his pace does, hot water spraying down on his back as he groans. He wants to make Kanda feel that good again, he wants to make Kanda feel _even better_. He wants Kanda in his arms again, below or on top or in any god-contrived way he can hear his moans again. He wants to fuck Kanda so badly, to settle in between his legs and have his nails drag their way down Lavi’s back. He wants to know what it’s like to be inside Kanda, to thrust his way inside with his lips against Kanda’s neck, hot and wet and waiting, and have Kanda fall apart beneath him like he did in his mouth. He wants to—

Lavi comes hard in his hand with a sudden yelp, his legs trembling just from holding himself up.

With a long shuddering sigh, he cleans himself up and shuts off the water, grabbing his towel.

He wants Kanda again, and he wants Bookman to leave him the hell alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please take my tequila/mezcal knowledge just have it. also took some liberties with tequila distribution in europe during this time period. LOL
> 
>  
> 
> (Lavi: Allen he said the L-word)  
> Allen: Lesbians?)


	7. Chapter 7

Kanda is alone somewhere in Croatia on the most boring mission he could possibly be sent on. A gathering of low-level Akuma had a concerned Finder dialing Headquarters, and Kanda was there as fast as he could be, which was a  _ long ass  _ train ride and not actually very fast at all.

Ah well, at least his hotel room overlooked the coast, and that was nice. 

Kanda spent the entire day looking for Innocence after destroying the surrounding Akuma, but he didn’t find anything and was just about to wonder what the hell they were gathering for when he hears a familiar voice. 

“Yuu~!”  _ Oh my God. _ “Hey, Yuu~!”  _ Is that Lavi? _

And sure enough, it is. Lavi, all smiles and sparkles, waves his whole arm at Kanda from afar to get his attention. 

“What are you doing here?” Kanda asks gruffly and crossing his arms. He didn’t need help on this mission — it was a waste of his time, and now it was a waste of  _ both _ their times. 

“I convinced Komui to let me help you,” he says, wiping sweat off his brow and looking like he’d run a marathon just to get here. “It didn’t really take much.” He winks. “Also, don’t tell the old man. He doesn’t know I’m here.”

“How did you get here so fast?”

“Oh! I, uh,” Lavi grins sheepishly. “I also convinced Allen to let me use the Ark to get to you. I mean, I still had to take a train over here. Allen can only open the Ark in places he’s been before, so he chose the closest place he’s been from here.”

The Ark? Kanda had to sit through the longest train ride of his life and Lavi got to step through  _ the Ark  _ and get here in an instant? 

Ugh, maybe he should be nicer to the beansprout after all. 

“Well, you’ve wasted your time. There’s nothing here. I’ve spent all day looking and I don’t know why there was such a high concentration of Akuma.”

“Maybe it wasn’t Innocence, then,” Lavi says, his demeanor shifting to a more serious expression. “It’s possible the Earl was just here capitalizing on personal tragedies. There _ was _ a bad storm recently...”

Kanda scoffs and looks away, “Like I said, a waste of my time.” 

“Well, it doesn’t have to be,” Lavi says, straightening. “You did away with all the Akuma, and now the townspeople are safe. So it’s not a total loss, right?”

What Kanda wants to say is a resounding, “who cares,” but what he says instead — because it’s Lavi who is asking — is a less-callous, “whatever.”

“It doesn’t have to be a total waste of time,” Lavi continues, stepping towards him. “I mean, we’re already here, we can make a day out of it. Get something nice to eat, walk around town, see what there is to see.”

“I’ve already seen what there is to see, I’ve been walking around this whole damn town all goddamn day,” Kanda snaps, kicking a stray pebble by his boot. “Rocks and water! And this guilty-looking fucker who won’t stop apologizing for dragging me all the way out here.” He gestures to the Finder who is currently hiding behind a bush a few feet away from them. Lavi hadn’t even noticed him, and Lavi notices  _ everything _ . He peeks out from the bush and waves gingerly, cowering again when Kanda turns to shoot him a glare full of daggers. 

“It’s not his fault, Yuu,” Lavi says, tone dropping. “He did the right thing. I’m sorry this wasted your time.” 

“Tsk,” Kanda spits. “Whatever.”

“Alright, sorry,” Lavi continues, looking down. “I didn’t mean to bother you, sorry for dropping by like this. I can leave.” That isn’t really what Kanda meant, and Lavi’s words cause his anger to temper just enough for him to reach out and grab Lavi’s wrist to stop him from leaving.

“Wait,” Kanda says, trying to sound like he means it. And he does, but this is hard. “Don’t go.” Lavi looks back, expression calm and serious and so different from Lavi’s usual demeanor that Kanda thinks he’s no longer talking to ‘Lavi the persona’, that this is a rare glimpse of Bookman Jr. “I’m glad you’re here.”

“You are?”

“Let’s make a day out of it. Like you said,” Kanda replies, covering his desperation for Lavi to stay with a harsher tone, because he doesn’t want to be all the way out here by himself like this. Not when Lavi could be here too. “Dinner and walks and whatever. I don’t care.” Kanda lets go of Lavi’s wrist, and Lavi threads his fingers through his. A cool, sea salty breeze blows through, tousling both of their hair as leaves dance around them, creating quite the convenient romantic moment, as if some higher power was watching this happen and was trying to emphasize the soft way Lavi gazes into Kanda’s eyes. Kanda internally scoffs. Hypothetical celestial beings have no business meddling with his love life, but if it keeps Lavi here then he’ll take it. This time. 

“Dinner and walks and whatever it is, then,” Lavi says, letting his voice drop into a tease at the end.

Kanda lets Lavi guide him across town. He’d been here before, a long time ago, but with his Bookman memory of course he’d remembered every single detail about it. Where to get the tastiest seafood pasta, where the sweetest cherries were, where the tangiest wine was, facts about the local food, people, architecture — Lavi remembers everything there is to know and drags Kanda along with him. Of course, Kanda knows he isn’t going to remember a  _ fraction  _ of the things Lavi has told him today, but he listens anyway; Lavi’s excitement in sharing his knowledge is endearing and charming, and even though Kanda has by now tuned him out, watching Lavi’s face light up when he remembers a fact is captivating.

They sit together sampling bits of cheeses and breads with olive oil over their second (Kanda’s third) glass of wine, watching the deep blue ocean waves crash against the rocks along the coastline. It’s a pretty sight, if Kanda had any interest at all in looking at pretty sights. 

“See? Not a bad way to spend the day, right?” Lavi’s voice breaks the comfortable silence between them, and he speaks without turning his head to look at Kanda. 

“No, not bad,” Kanda echoes his words with no real emotion behind them. He’s more focused on staring at Lavi’s mouth from the corner of his eye, and the little bit of breadcrumb he has on his lower lip. 

“Wine probably doesn’t strike your fancy as much as tequila does though, huh?”

Kanda sits back and takes another sip from his glass. “It’s not bad.” He’s said these words so many times in the last few weeks, he’s beginning to feel stale. If he were talking to anyone else, he wouldn’t care, but he doesn’t want to feel like he’s repeating himself or uninterested in Lavi. “I’d prefer it if it were drier.”

“Ah, and I like the sweet ones,” Lavi replies. “I thought this was a good inbetween for us to share. If you like wine, I could teach you a few things.”

“Maybe sometime,” Kanda replies, relaxing a bit and leaning back on his hands.

“So what do you think?” Lavi asks, swirling the wine in his glass with no intent to finish it. “Did you like the seafood pasta? The place we went to has the freshest seafood — you’d think being right on the coast, every place here would have fresh-caught fish.” He stares off idly into the distance, where the setting sun is starting to meet the edge of the ocean. “I wish I had room to check out some of the pastries they were selling in that little cart over there. I can still smell them from here.”

“I think I just went on a date with Bookman Jr,” Kanda says, finishing the wine in his glass. “Am I right?”

“I mean,” He sits back and turns his attention to Kanda. “Lavi is here too,” he replies, calmly. “So which do you prefer, then?” 

“You’re the one always trying to convince me you’re the same damn person,” Kanda says, licking a spot of wine off his lips. “Which of you is the one I’m with?” 

“Lavi likes you,” Bookman Jr. says, “And so do I. And we  _ are _ the same. Just a different side of me. You’re the only one who knows who I am, really.” He crosses his legs and looks towards the setting sun again. “Kind of like, I don’t know, sweet and dry wine. White and red. It’s still wine, you know?”

“It’s a different kind of wine, though.”

“But it’s still wine, despite the differences. I mean, there’s a lot more — a  _ ton _ more, really — in terms of flavor profiles and how it’s made and all that, but I think that’s a different conversation. I’ll stop while I’m ahead before I, y’know, offend all the sommeliers of the world.” Lavi turns to give him a gentle smile, and it’s soft and inviting in the setting sunlight, radiating a warm glow. “But it’s just like how I’m still Lavi.”

“You’re still Lavi, sweet or dry,” Kanda adds on to that thought. He sets his glass down, and then reaches over to nab the wine glass right out of Lavi’s hands. He downs the rest of the wine quickly knowing Lavi isn’t about to finish it and earns a surprised, “ _ Ehh? _ ” from the Bookman successor. Lavi’s expression softens, and he’s mesmerized by the way a slight breeze tousles Kanda’s hair and how Kanda moves to tuck a stray strand behind his ear. In turn, Kanda can’t stop staring at the soft glow of the setting sun against Lavi’s skin, reflecting the sparkling green in Lavi’s eye and accenting the dark gold hues in his gaze. It’s truly a captivating sight. So much for no interest in looking at pretty sights.

“I’m heading back,” Kanda says, purposefully ruining the moment before he got in too deep. He stands to leave, and Lavi watches him with a frown. 

“You don’t want dessert?” he asks, and Kanda looks down at him, brow raised and gaze lowered in a way that seems to convey, ‘ _ I may have something better in mind _ ’.

Lavi walks Kanda to his hotel, a building right along the coast, as if Komui was trying to compensate for the long ride by giving Kanda a nice place to stay for the trip. Even from the hallways Lavi can hear the sounds of waves crashing, and he can only imagine how nice it must sound inside the rooms with an open window. Kanda gets to his room and rummages through his pockets to find the key, feeling Lavi’s gaze on him the entire time.

“Here,” Lavi’s voice is low in his ear as he moves to reach into Kanda’s left jacket pocket unsolicited, where he somehow knows that’s where Kanda keeps things. The slight graze of Lavi’s touch has Kanda’s breath catching in his throat, and he turns to look at Lavi, opening his mouth but failing to say anything. Lavi is looking back at him too, head tilted down to meet Kanda’s gaze, like he’s waiting for Kanda to say what he has to say. 

They both lean into each other at the same time, Lavi stepping towards Kanda, and Kanda reaching out to pull Lavi towards him, hands reaching up to hold Lavi by the back of his head, like if Lavi didn’t kiss him right now he’d never let him go. But Lavi does, pushes him up against the wall and kisses him in a way that starts off chaste, but hurriedly deepens as Kanda pulls them together. Lavi’s arms snake around Kanda’s waist until he remembers they’re still in the hallway, and with his free hand he unlocks the door and guides Kanda in the room, only breaking the kiss once to close the door behind them before they’re attached to each other again. 

Kanda has Lavi pressed up against the wall and holds him there in a long kiss, passionate and hungry. Lavi’s hand moves to run down Kanda’s back, his waist, his hips, before grabbing his ass nicely (something he always wants to do but rarely has the chance). He grinds against him and Kanda lets out a gasp that turns into a strangled moan, so he does it again until he feels Kanda quiver against him, and then he turns him around so Kanda’s back is against the wall instead. Lavi slides his hands down to squeeze Kanda’s ass again, and then, in an incredible display of strength and an idea that must have been granted to him by the wine, Lavi lifts Kanda up to really press him against the wall. Kanda takes it in stride, wrapping his arms around Lavi’s neck and his legs around his waist, kissing him like this is all he’s ever wanted while trying to ignore the thought of how much he actually really likes being held by Lavi. Later, he'll think it's wild how safe he felt in Lavi's arms and how turned on he was by the strong muscles holding him up . But that’s a problem for future Kanda to have. Present Kanda is going to enjoy the feeling of Lavi’s hands on his ass, holding him up against the wall so he can feel the hardness in his pants pressing up against him. It's impossible to tell who pulls away to breathe first — it might have been both of them at the same moment but it doesn’t take them long before they’re at it again. Lavi tastes like a salted wine, both sweet and salty, and though neither of them feel any kind of tipsy from what they drank, Kanda tastes wine strongly on his own breath as well. Lavi walks them over to the bed and tosses Kanda on it, and Kanda immediately pulls Lavi by the shirt to get him back on him again.

Lavi is torn between letting his desire overtake him tonight and just really going at it, or slowing down a bit to see where this was going. Kanda seems to really want the former, so Lavi decides on the latter and steadies him with a slow kiss, a hand gently resting under Kanda’s chin. But Kanda doesn’t want that; he doesn’t want slow and steady, he wants something a lot more intense. He bites Lavi’s lip in an effort to get him to kiss him harder — they were alone, hundreds and hundreds of miles away from anyone who could bother them, and Kanda wants to use this time the best they can. With a bit of (loving) force and enthusiasm, they’re kissing and rolling around on the bed playfully, neither one of them wanting to let the other get the upper hand until Kanda finally manages to get Lavi beneath him. Lavi blinks up at him, the setting sun illuminating the room in hues of reds, oranges, and yellows, rays of light spilling through the window onto the mattress underneath him. He takes a moment to admire a sunlit Kanda, panting and aroused on top of him, a strong grip on his shoulder shoving him into the mattress. And Kanda, enamoured by the sight of Lavi painted golden in the sunlight, is rendered speechless under the setting sun, bold splashes of fiery oranges and sparkling golds blending together with the redness of Lavi’s hair and the pink blush livening his cheeks. And Lavi is  _ beautiful _ . 

“Yuu,” Lavi breaks the silence between them as Kanda gazes down at him, pinning him down onto the bed. He reaches up to touch Kanda’s hair, and Kanda lets him touch only for a brief moment before he grabs Lavi’s wrist and pins that down onto the bed too, over his head. The motion brings their bodies closer together until they’re touching chest to chest, faces so close that Kanda feels the sudden inhale from Lavi’s gasp, and the gentle exhale that follows.

“Lavi,” Kanda swallows, voice husky with arousal and gaze cloudy with lust, “I want to do this with you. I want  _ you _ .” He keeps his eyes on Lavi, like he’s never been more sure about anything in his life, but he doesn’t know what else to say, and doesn’t want to say anything more in case he ruins it. “And right now we’re here and alone, so, tonight, I...” He trails off, and Lavi pulls him down with his free hand for another kiss. 

“Okay,” he whispers against Kanda’s lips. “Okay.”

Kanda is quick to pull off his shirt and toss it to the floor, and Lavi sits up to do the same. Kanda’s breath catches watching Lavi pull off his own shirt, hair tousling in the light of the glow of the rising moon, and Kanda can’t help himself. His hands run down Lavi’s chest, fingers grazing against tight skin and hard muscle, and Lavi sits up on his knees to touch him right back. Lavi runs his hands down Kanda’s sides, across his back, and slips his hands past the waist of Kanda’s pants to  _ really  _ grab his ass with nothing in between. Kanda drags him into an aggressive kiss, hard and fast and full of want and desire, deft hands making quick work of Lavi’s belt and the fastenings of his pants, yanking them down and wrapping his fingers around Lavi’s hard cock in one fluid motion. Lavi has been hard since the very moment they entered the room, and his breath quivers when he’s finally released from the confines of his pants. Kanda’s palm is already wet from Lavi’s excitement, and if they were going to do anything tonight, Lavi needs to get Kanda out of his clothes  _ right now _ .

Regretfully tearing his hands away from where they cupped Kanda’s ass, Lavi pulls open Kanda’s pants and starts to stroke his dick, earning a strangled moan from the other man, muffled through a kiss. Kanda pushes against Lavi to kiss him hard and the motion causes Kanda’s dick to touch Lavi’s, so Lavi holds them both together in one hand, stroking them both at the same time. Kanda pulls away from kissing Lavi’s mouth to move to his neck as the feeling of stroking them together has Lavi’s lips parted, panting and rolling his hips. Kanda groans against the skin of Lavi’s neck, clamping his teeth down and feeling the way Lavi tenses in response. When Kanda has made a mess of one side of Lavi’s neck, he moves on to mark the other side, and Lavi tries not to think about how he’s going to have to hide all of these with his scarf later until they all heal so he wouldn’t have to explain any of this to Bookman. 

Lavi rolls his thumb over the head of Kanda’s dick and it has Kanda shuddering, a full body tremble that gives Lavi the opportunity to turn and push him down onto the bed and climb over him. He straddles Kanda’s legs so he can touch their dicks together again, rolling his hips to rub the length against Kanda’s. The sounds his hand is making while jerking the two of them off together grows substantially wetter and wetter until it’s the loudest sound in the room. Kanda bites his lip and watches the way Lavi’s hand expertly holds both of them, his dick occasionally slipping through his fingers as Lavi strokes him in between slick fingers. Kanda, not really sure what to do with his hands, starts to run them up and down Lavi’s thighs, groping strong muscles in his thighs when he gently thrusts against Kanda, rubbing them together. 

It’s Kanda’s turn to grab Lavi’s ass this time, and he does so, so suddenly it has Lavi yelping at the squeeze. His eye darts down to give Kanda a startled look, but Kanda is looking up at him with a hungry smirk, satisfied at the response, and he rolls his hips up against Lavi. The Bookman lets out a quick little moan, stifled at the back of his throat and slightly high pitched, and Kanda chuckles low in response, kneading his ass. Lavi’s pace quickens soon after, and maybe it’s a little too fast, because Kanda’s hand retreats from behind Lavi and places it over his.

“Here,” Kanda breathes, “Let me try.” 

Lavi lets go, and Kanda takes over stroking the two of them. The change in rhythm is good, and Lavi swallows hard, hips starting to roll against him even though he doesn’t really mean to. Kanda mimics Lavi’s previous motion and rolls his thumb over the head of Lavi’s cock, and Lavi moans, loud and trembling. Kanda’s stroking doesn’t falter, and he adds on rubbing Lavi’s head with his thumb to his motions. And it’s just a bit  _ too  _ good to finally have Kanda’s hands on him, because Lavi is immediately close— he tries to communicate this with a tight grip at the bedsheets below him and an attempt at words that’s only garbled by his litany of moans and sighs, and he gasps when Kanda squeezes his dick in just the right way and he spills all over Kanda’s abdomen. The sudden look of bliss on Lavi’s face surprises Kanda, and his stroking falters for a moment. Lavi has to buck his hips back into Kanda’s grasp to ride out his orgasm, slightly ashamed he came so early (he was better than this! He swears!).

“I-I’m sorry,” Lavi manages without thinking, his words sounding blubbery in his post-orgasm bashfulness. “Must have been the wine.”

“It’s fine.” Kanda sounds amused, maybe almost trying to smile. White hot come drips down from Lavi’s dick and onto Kanda’s, who only shrugs and uses it to help jerk himself off instead of saying anything more. God, Lavi loves this man.

When Lavi can think again, he takes over stroking Kanda, who has a quieter orgasm but a messier one. Kanda comes all over his abdomen and Lavi’s hand, his stomach now a wild array of both of their climaxes. Lavi’s breath catches at the sight of Kanda beneath him, lips parted and panting, hair splayed out in every direction on the mattress, illuminated by only the bright moonlight spilling in from the open window, curtains billowing in the gentle breeze, the distant sound of the ocean filling the silence between them. But that moment is ruined when Kanda looks down to investigate the mess on his stomach, finger poking at their combined orgasms and leaving a slimy string trail that bends as he lifts his hand, and he makes a disgusted face at the sight. 

“Here, let me get you a… towel or a… something.” Lavi rolls off him and rummages through the room for anything Kanda can use to wipe himself off with. He comes back with a small hand towel to help, and Kanda quickly wipes himself and tosses the towel to the floor. In one swift motion he reaches out and grabs Lavi’s wrist to tug him back the second he’s done. 

“Get back here,” Kanda says, “I’m not done with you yet.” 

Lavi crawls back in bed so Kanda can get his fill of kisses, his arms wrapping around him to hold him close.

“Yuu,” Lavi whispers softly against Kanda’s lips, “Yuu, I—” 

And then he burps. Sudden, loud, and smelling of wine. It’s almost explosive, the way it rolled up his body and blasted out of him. Lavi squeaks in complete and utter embarrassment for the second time tonight, and clamps a hand over his mouth, as Kanda’s eyes widen in surprise. “I didn’t mean to—! Oh my God.” He’s mortified, his face a beet red. He thinks Kanda is going to roll his eyes and turn away, moment ruined forever and never to return again, but instead he does the one thing Lavi doesn’t expect, and  _ never  _ expected to see in his entire life. 

Kanda laughs. 

It starts as a snicker, like air leaving his mouth like a cough, and then his shoulders start to shake, and before Lavi can even process what’s going on, Kanda dissolves into a fit of laughter in a way that Lavi didn’t even think was possible. And the sight of Kanda losing it like that makes him start to chuckle, and then he’s bursting out laughing too. They’re laughing until they’re both lying helplessly on the bed clutching their sides and in hysterics together; it’s such a ridiculous moment and neither of them can stop, until neither of them even know why they’re still laughing anymore. Lavi wipes away tears from his eye as they both start to calm down, hoping to catch and file away the sight of Kanda laughing with him somewhere he’ll never forget it. When Kanda turns to face Lavi again, eyes glistening with happy tears of laughter and a smile on his face, Lavi feels his heart tug, his breath catching.

Kanda wipes sweat from his forehead with the back of his hand, finally catching his breath, and rolling off the bed to go  _ really _ clean himself up. Lavi watches him go, lingers just to watch his backside walking away from him, before leaping off to follow. They collapse back in bed together not long after, all freshened up after a shared bath that Lavi almost falls asleep in, and Lavi pulls Kanda to him, content and breathing in his scent despite the low grunt from the other man. 

“Well,” Lavi mumbles against Kanda’s forehead. “Not too bad of a night, right?” 

“Well it wasn’t  _ exactly  _ what I wanted,” Kanda says, a rare teasing lilt in his voice, turning his head to look up at Lavi, “but it will do.”

Lavi leans in to give him a long, slow, lingering kiss, one that Kanda leans into and barely wants to pull away from when it’s over. “That’s good.”

Kanda is dozing off to sleep fast, comfortable in the warmth of Lavi’s arms, but he can just barely hear the gentle whispers of “Yuu,” and “You mean so much to me,” in his ear, and something else he thinks isn’t in a language he can understand. And despite Lavi’s arms holding him close, his voice sounds increasingly distant as Kanda steadily drifts asleep.

But Kanda still wakes up in the middle of the night. Lavi isn’t beside him in bed. He picks his head up and squints into the darkness, the bright moon overhead shining through the open window really the only source of light in the room, save for the dim glow of a dying candle in the corner by the desk. Lavi sits at the desk, pen in hand, writing something in a book. 

Kanda doesn’t say anything, but without turning around, Lavi says: “Go back to sleep, Yuu. I’m almost done.” 

Perhaps there  _ was _ a reason for Bookman Jr. to be here after all.

He doesn’t mean to, but Kanda does inevitably drift back off to sleep. True to his word, Lavi eventually comes to bed and the dip in the mattress jostles Kanda awake once more, the creaking of the bedframe enough for him to open his eyes and turn to look at his companion. Lavi slides under the covers and tucks both himself and Kanda back in, and gives Kanda a very soft, gentle smile. It’s mostly in his eye more than it is on his lips, and Kanda gazes at him sleepily for a moment. 

“I told you I was almost done.” Lavi’s voice is sleepy and soothing, and he shifts to get comfortable on the pillow. Kanda blinks, half-asleep, and brings his hand up to run through Lavi’s hair, petting him softly before moving it down to tenderly caress his cheek. Lavi shuffles closer to him, gazing into Kanda’s eyes for a quiet moment, neither of them saying a word. 

This is the real Lavi, living and breathing and lying in bed next to him, sliding a hand around Kanda’s waist and holding him there loosely for a soft touch of intimacy, gentling smiling at him full of affection. They don’t say anything else before drifting off to sleep together, warm and comfortable in each other’s arms.

They spend the entire train ride back home together, in a private car. Lavi uses his own money to buy them both nice seats, and Kanda finds it was really so Lavi could recline on the seat without worrying about anyone else around him. Lavi rests his head on Kanda’s lap, dozing in and out every few hours, with Kanda gently petting his hair and staring out the window. 

The train ride is just as long as it was the first time, but with Lavi sleeping beside him, it isn’t as bad this time around.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm back bitches


End file.
